Don’t look now, but Four Loko and Joose could be in your grocery store soon.

Both sweetened, high-alcohol products used to include caffeine and were marketed as alcoholic energy drinks until the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) put the kibosh on the practice in December 2010. The manufacturers reformulated the beverages without caffeine and they’re now back on the market.

You’d think Phusion Projects, LLC, maker of Four Loko, would be hurting after a blow like that, but in spite of its cynical marketing and sales of “blackout in a can,” it claims to be doing just fine, thank you.

In a press release, the company said it had “become the best selling [sic] progressive adult beverage in the convenience store channel and one of the fastest growing products in the industry, making Phusion Projects the 11th largest marketer of alcoholic beverages in the U.S.”

I’m not sure what a “progressive adult beverage is,” but the news of the company’s success is plenty depressing, if true. To make matters worse, it says it will introduce Four Loko – with a still-hefty 8 percent alcohol — in 11-oz. glass bottles in “grocery, mass merchandise and drug stores.”

Now that may not sound like a big deal, but here’s the thing. The drink is usually packaged in enormous 23.5-oz, colorful bottles and can be found in convenience stores. Now, you’ll be able to find it at the grocery store – no extra stop needed – and it’ll look like your average bottle of beer (with alcohol content around 4 to 6 percent), yet packing a significantly bigger punch (8 percent).

As Cassie Greisen of Project Extra Mile, an advocacy group based in Nebraska, told the Omaha Herald, “It gives the illusion that you’re not drinking as much alcohol as you are.”

She’s concerned that the fruity flavors and colorful bottles will attract underage drinkers, most of whom binge drink. And based on the track record of Four Loko and other alcoholic energy drinks – linked as they were to multiple college students hospitalized on more than one campus – that’s a legitimate concern.

Meanwhile, United Brand Company, the maker of Four Loko’s competitor, Joose, isn’t sitting on its hands. Nope – according to this video advertisement for the drink, “great intelligence” (which, the ad tells us, has “no limits”), goes hand in hand with “great innovation.”

Wonder what that innovation might be? (Spoiler alert!) Joose will soon be available in 12-oz. glass bottles, at 8.5 percent alcohol. One can only assume that Joose, too, will be on grocery stores shelves soon.

Oh, joy.

Source: jointogether.org

In a stunning display of insensitivity and ignorance, Belvedere Vodka and singer Usher have joined with Product (Red) to launch a special edition bottle and give half its profits to “fight HIV/AIDS in Africa,” under the misleading tagline “Helps Save Lives.” Promoting and selling booze to fight HIV/AIDS?! There are just so many things wrong with this, we can hardly decide where to start. Let’s consider the facts that are missing from this campaign:

* Product (Red) must have conveniently missed the recent news release that alcohol kills more people annually than AIDS, tuberculosis, or violence – a sobering 4% of all deaths worldwide, according to the World Health Association.

* Alcohol use is a leading factor in the spread of HIV. Alcohol consumption is associated with two major modes of HIV transmission: high-risk sexual behaviors and injection drug use. BelvedereRedUpclose

* Alcohol can also complicate the long-term health outcomes of HIV-positiveindividuals. People withHIV/AIDS are more likely to engage in high-risk alcohol consumption, which is associated with increasedmedical and psychiatric  complications, delays in seeking treatment, and poorer treatment compliance and outcomes.

* In Botswana, a country with a 24 percent incidence of HIV/AIDS, the effects of alcohol on HIV/AIDS have gotten so bad that the president has implemented legislation specifically targeting alcohol consumption in order to decrease the spread of the disease.

* Black men in the United States have six times the incidence of HIV infection as white men. The population at highest risk of being infected with HIV in the United States is black males between the age of 15 and 49: sounds remarkably like Usher’s target demographic. The idea that increasing this population’s alcohol purchases and consumption will ‘Help Save Lives’ is mind-numbing.

* If there were any doubt that Belvedere wants more young, black people to drink more of their vodka, just look at who else they’ve brought into the mix: stars like Serena Williams, 50 Cent, and Dr. Dre, who appeal to this very demographic.

Despite all of these serious campaign flaws, the product’s website proclaims that “Both (RED)™ and Belvedere Vodka are unanimous in our objective to empower global consumers to help eliminate HIV/AIDS with (BELVEDERE) RED Special Edition.”

If Usher and Product (Red) really wanted to help eliminate HIV/AIDS in Africa, they would counteract the oversaturation of alcohol advertising, rather than promoting it. Instead, it seems that Belvedere and its parent company, Moet Hennessy Louis Vuitton (LVMH) are targeting the populations at highest risk of HIV, to increase sales and consumption of a product that increases both the risk of contracting HIV and the progression of HIV/AIDS disease. All so that LVMH can make a donation and get (wait for it…) more publicity and attention.

This campaign is about the bottom line, pure and simple, and does a disservice to the battle against HIV/AIDS. LVMH and Belvedere Vodka just hope that we are naïve enough to fall for it.

Source: Marin Institute

A new analysis of four years of government data shows that most underage youth get alcohol from home, and about a third were given it by their parents or guardians, according to a Feb. 17 press release from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA).

Drawing on data from the National Survey on Drug Use and Health (NSDUH) conducted annually 2006 through 2009, SAMHSA estimated that about 709,000 U.S. adolescents ages 12 to 14 currently drink alcohol.

Over 44,000 teens ages 12 to 14 participated in the surveys, of whom 5.9 percent said they drank alcohol in the previous month.

Nearly half of the youth surveyed either got their alcohol from a parent or guardian (29.6 percent), or from home (15.7 percent). Others acquired it from an unrelated adult (13.5 percent) or from another underage youth (19.6 percent).

“People who begin drinking alcohol before the age of 15 are six times more likely than those who start at age 21 and older to develop alcohol problems,” said SAMHSA Administrator, Pamela S. Hyde. “Parents and other adults need to be aware that providing alcohol to children can expose them to an increased risk for alcohol abuse and set them on a path with increased potential for addiction.”

TIME reported the SAMHSA data Feb. 21, but questioned whether parents who shared alcohol with their children put them at greater risk of serious alcohol problems later in life. TIME cited a Wake Forest University study from 2004 that appeared to show that teens who shared alcohol with their parents at dinner or in a religious context (versus being given alcohol for a party) were less likely to drink or to develop drinking problems.

A one page summary of SAMHSA’s data was published in the Feb. 17, 2011 Data Spotlight (PDF) from SAMHSA’s Center for Behavioral Health Statistics and Quality.

Source: Join Together

A new report from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) found that 709,000 youth ages 12 to 14 in the United States are drinking beer, liquor and other alcoholic beverages.

And the surprise is that many of these underage drinkers aren’t just getting a friend to buy a six pack for them or smuggling alcohol out of the family liquor cabinet. Some are getting the alcohol directly from a parent, guardian or another adult relative.

In the past month alone, more than 200,000 kids were given alcohol by a parent or other adult family member. About 45 percent got alcohol from a parent or other family member or they took it from their home without permission.

About 15 percent of these kids just took the liquor, but 15.7 percent got it directly from that parent or guardian and another 14 percent got it from another relative, according to the study.

“SAMHSA Data Spotlight: Young Alcohol Users Often Get Alcohol from Family or Home” is based on the combined data from SAMHSA’s 2006 to 2009 National Surveys on Drug Use and Health (NSDUH) and involves responses from more than 44,000 respondents ages 12 to 14. NSDUH is a primary source of information on national use of tobacco, alcohol, illicit drugs (including non-medical use of prescription drugs) and mental health in the United States. The survey is part of the agency’s strategic initiative on behavioral health data, quality and outcomes.

“People who begin drinking alcohol before the age of 15 are six times more likely than those who start at age 21 and older to develop alcohol problems. Parents and other adults need to be aware that providing alcohol to children can expose them to an increased risk for alcohol abuse and set them on a path with increased potential for addiction,” said SAMHSA Administrator Pamela Hyde, in the report.

David Jernigan, an associate professor at the Bloomberg School of Public Health at Johns Hopkins University, has told CADCA in previous interviews that parents need to play a larger role in preventing their children from drinking, but he places much of the blame on the alcohol industry for marketing to youth.

“The primary messages kids get about alcohol on television are from alcohol product ads that not surprisingly promote their use and enjoyment,” Jernigan has told CADCA.

Youth see about one alcohol ad per day and many coalitions have been working tirelessly to counter-act these messages in a variety of ways. From making recommendations to the Federal Communications Commission to the Ohio’s Drug-Free Action Alliance’s recent Big Bowl Vote 2011 survey and California’s Marin Institute’s Super Bowl counter ads, coalitions have been trying to raise awareness and change policies regarding alcohol advertising. CADCA also has a Strategizer available to address the topic: Strategizer 32 – Alcohol Advertising: Its Impact on Communities, and What Coalitions Can Do to Lessen that Impact.

Source: cadca.org

Officials in 25 states are growing concerned about alarming numbers of adolescents and others ending up in emergency rooms and mental hospitals after intentionally snorting, injecting or smoking “fake cocaine,” a powder legally sold as “bath salts,” and are proposing bans.

R. Gil Kerlikowske, Director of National Drug Control Policy, this week released a statement following recent reports indicating the emerging threat of these synthetic stimulants.

Sold under such names as Ivory Wave, Red Dove, Bliss and Vanilla Sky, law enforcement officials and poison control center staff say the effects of the stimulants the powders often contain (mephedrone and methylenedioxypyrovalerone, also known as MDPV) are a central nervous system stimulant that is not approved for medical purposes in the United States, and provide for users a cocaine-like high.

The chemicals in these bath salts can cause hallucinations, paranoia, rapid and irregular heartbeats and suicidal thoughts, authorities say. The chemicals are in products sold legally at convenience stores and on the internet as bath salts and even plant foods. A small packet of the chemicals typically costs around $20.

The Director’s statement reads: “I am deeply concerned about the distribution, sale, and use of synthetic stimulants – especially those that are marketed as legal substances. Although we lack sufficient data to understand exactly how prevalent the use of these stimulants are, we know they pose a serious threat to the health and well-being of young people and anyone who may use them. At a time when drug use in America is increasing, the marketing and sale of these poisons as “bath salts” is both unacceptable and dangerous. As public health officials work to address this emerging threat, I ask that parents and other adult influencers act immediately to discuss with young people the severe harm that can be caused by the use of both legal and illegal drugs and to prevent drug use before it starts.”

Several state leaders have introduced legislation to ban these products, including New York Democrat, Sen. Charles Schumer who plans to announce a bill Sunday that would add those chemicals to the list of federally controlled substances. Other states working on a ban include Hawaii, Michigan, Louisiana, Kentucky, Mississippi and North Dakota. Several counties, cities, and local municipalities have also taken action to remove these products from store shelves.

Drug Enforcement Agent Gary Boggs will give us the latest information on bath salts on the next CADCA TV show Feb. 24. Watch it from 1-2 p.m. EST or anytime after Feb. 24 .Viewing is available via satellite downlink or by webcast.

Source: cadca.org

February 2011

1. My 15yo daughter is out of control – skipping school, smoking and drinking, hanging out with older kids – needless to say my house is a battle zone. I’ve tried counseling and tough love, but unfortunately the peace doesn’t last. Her father is out of the picture and I’m dealing with this all alone. I need help.

There could be many reasons for your situation, but often it boils down to either of two different core issues: 1) a possibly undiagnosed learning or behavioral disorder that prevents a child from feeling successful as a learner and thus turns solely to the social outlets in her life to feel her value. Mix this with some self-esteem issues and you have a life full of disappointments and poor choices. Or, 2) it has more to do with a child who has not been held accountable for their behavior and actions, and/or with the parent’s confidence in their own abilities. If your own self concept is low and you feel inadequate as a parent, it may be impossible for you to set and follow through with boundaries. An enabled child (one without accountability) is unable to take independent control of their lives and often engage in many destructive activities.

In your case, it sounds like things have progressed to the point where regaining stability will require firm resolve and unwavering commitment to your child’s welfare. We would recommend your first step is to get your daughter an assessment by a professional. There are many counselors in the area who will do a consultation or evaluation for free. Thelma McMillen Center in Torrance, for example, offers free assessments. Depending on results of the assessment, residential treatment may need to be explored. Check with your health insurance carrier, if you have benefits for residential treatment, they can explain how to access those benefits. If you do not have such benefits, you may be able to access treatment under the California Access to Recovery Effort (CARE) program. Find information about this at: http://www.californiacares4youth.com/. Another option is to involve law enforcement. Skipping school, smoking, and drinking are not legal activities for your 15 year old to engage in. While many parents struggle with the idea of calling the police on their own child, you must consider the risks of not doing so. Skipping school will obviously lead to difficulties for both you and your daughter, and the smoking and drinking can lead to far worse consequences. Additionally, the implied message (that the legality of behavior does not matter) is likely already having a negative impact on your daughter’s attitude and belief system, which you are trying to change. Gather information from as many sources as you can, speak to the school counselor, the counselor you saw for outpatient, call a local treatment program for adolescents, go to an Alanon or Narcanon meeting. If it is suggested that you drastically change the way you parent your teen and you feel overwhelmed or inadequate to make these changes, look for help anywhere you can. The key is to do something. Inactivity or repeating efforts that have proven ineffective are guaranteed to help the situation disintegrate further.

2. How do I convince my teens that posting personal information on Facebook or Twitter is potentially a very dangerous thing to do?

Many teens are not capable of reasoning on an adult level because they lack the experiences we have had as adults. This is normal and is most likely no different than we were at their age. The hidden danger for adolescents is that they are old enough to think they understand the world, which, in reality, they cannot possibly fully comprehend. So arguing, lecturing and persuading is often wasted energy. You must set the boundaries for using any social network and consistently follow through on established consequences if they are not adhering to your rules. Today, internet safety is one of the most important roles for a parent who wants to protect their child from a multitude of hidden dangers. Personal information such as full name, phone number, address, name of school, name of your city, or social security number should never be given to anyone on a social network. Be sure to explain all the possible consequences to reputation, college admission, future employment etc. The internet is a worldwide public domain. No information is protected unless visiting a secured site. Even then, information can be viewed by others. Also, note that everything, every keystroke, every erased message, is kept by the social networking companies for three years and is made available to anyone with a legal letterhead. One part of your job as a parent is to teach your children, another part is to maintain the boundaries and provide safety where they are not ready to do it for themselves. It is a lot to monitor and enforce, but preserving your child’s future possibilities is worth it. Protect your children.

The questions above are from parents who live in the South Bay. The responses have been provided by members of the South Bay Coalition whose expertise and experience lies in parenting, counseling, and/or substance abuse prevention. The South Bay Coalition is a non-profit partnership of agencies working to prevent substance abuse among our community’s youth. For local resources or more information, please visit our website www.thefutureiswatching.org or contact: events@sbcoalition.com

March 2011

1. My 16yo son is close to getting his driver’s license. We can’t afford to buy him a car (like many of his friends) so I need help with appropriate boundaries for his use of the family car. He’s basically a good kid, but does bend the rules now & then. Thank you.

When it comes to your teen’s use of the family car, it is best to make a clear agreement (in writing might be a good idea) on when it can be used. This would usually involve the times it is not needed to get you to work or run errands. But more importantly, an agreement must include sharing of the responsibility for the use of the car. This includes maintenance of the car, such as washing the car, keeping it filled with gas, and helping to take it in for service. Perhaps your son can help with household errands like going to the store or picking up dry cleaning. This will be critical training for the day when he does have his own car.

Make sure to spell out consequences should he break the law (i.e. speeding, driving friends when not legally allowed to) or for failure to return home on time etc. Avoid situations where he is scheduled to come home after you are asleep, for a kid who does bend the rules occasionally, this is a prime set up to do so.

It must be made clear that the use of the automobile is strictly a privilege that must be earned, and not a right. Explain that each and every infraction will result in a loss of this and/or other privileges. Because you have complete control over the use of your car, you have a great deal of leverage in teaching your child to earn their privileges like all adults.

Finally, parents should never feel badly if they’re not able to buy their child a car, even if they believe all of their friends parents are buying cars for their children. There are far more parents who can’t afford to buy their children cars than those that can. The important thing to remember is that this has never been a factor of good parenting. Good parenting involves teaching your children to appreciate what they have and to share in responsibility.

2. We have a 4 year old daughter who is quite precocious. Unfortunately, we have spoiled her rotten. Now she’s throwing tantrums and misbehaving to the point of embarrassment. How do we fix this?

You begin by rethinking your philosophy on raising children. It is not ’spoiling’ that is the problem with your child, it is what we call ‘enabling’. Spoiling is the act of providing them with more than they need, enabling them is the act of not holding them accountable for their behavior and actions. We hold young children accountable in the same way we hold adults accountable, by having them earn their privileges. The act of holding someone accountable involves consequences and not punishment. While there can be a fine line between punishment and consequences, the main difference is that individuals are able to avoid consequences by making the right choices.

For example, your young child can avoid having her favorite toy being put in time out for a day if she picks up her toys before dinner time. She can watch her favorite TV program if her chores are completed or she has shown good behavior all day. She can wear her favorite outfit if she is ready for school on time. The key to good parenting is the effective and proper use of appropriate consequences. The only purpose of consequences is to get your attention, not to cause suffering. Like parking tickets – they don’t hurt you or punish you, they are a fine that you wish you did not have to pay, but you can only blame yourself for having to pay it. Remember, you do not control your child, or anyone else, however, you do control each and every privilege your child earns – and earn they must or you risk raising a child who believes the world owes them everything.

The questions above are from parents who live in the South Bay. The responses have been provided by members of the South Bay Coalition whose expertise and experience lies in parenting, counseling, and/or substance abuse prevention. The South Bay Coalition is a non-profit partnership of agencies working to prevent substance abuse among our community’s youth. For local resources or more information, please visit our website www.thefutureiswatching.org or contact: events@sbcoalition.com

January 2011

1. My son is 13yo and I’m concerned about the new friends he has made in middle school. They have much more freedom than I’m willing to give my son. I suspect some drug use, particularly since I’ve heard them talk about doing some graffiti, and their behavior is occasionally suspicious to me. How do I keep my son in check and keep him drug-free?

This is a far too common situation, where a child is given more freedom than they can handle. To your child, this looks like what should be the norm and he probably views your ‘checking up’ on him as too restrictive. The most common mistake in an adolescent’s thinking is that ‘freedom is free’ – perceived as a rite of passage and not something that is earned. One of the first things you need to pursue is communication with your son’s friend’s parents. Middle school children are rarely appreciative of this, but knowing these parents and what they allow, what boundaries they have and what the home environment is like is a parent’s responsibility when it comes to friends with whom your child is spending a lot of time. Next, have a talk with your child and tell him that his freedom must be earned by acting responsibly. Acting responsibly means making the right choice not to be using alcohol, tobacco, or other drugs. It also means obeying the laws of the city and the expectations of the family. Tell him he can earn more time to be with his friends only if he can demonstrate the ability to make his own decisions about what choices he should make and not copy friends who may be making poor choices because their parents are not paying close attention. Remind him that you will always be paying attention and will be on the lookout for poor decisions, which will have serious consequences, the least of which will be the loss of his freedom.

The issue of graffiti is a bad sign and if it is an ongoing activity for these kids, your son does not need to be spending time with them. Since we cannot follow him around every minute of every day, it makes no sense to forbid him from seeing these friends, but it makes perfect sense to follow up on where he will be and what activities he is involved with.

If you see any signs of substance use on your son’s part, get an assessment by a substance abuse professional and a drug test immediately. A lot of the boundaries and rules you will need to enforce will most likely not make you popular with your son. A teen with a good parent will often be unhappy about that parent’s choices. Your child’s welfare comes first…always.

2. I recently married into a family of smokers. I have 10 year old twins from a previous marriage and I’m concerned first, about all of the second-hand smoke, and second I don’t want them to get the idea that smoking is okay. How do I discuss this with them without making the new family sound like the bad guys?

It is not a question of “bad” but a question of “sick.” Tobacco addiction is a brutal disease, which is very difficult to arrest and most often leads to severe impairments to quality of life and eventually a lingering and suffering death. And there are no two ways about it, second hand smoke is lethal also. It may well at times offend or hurt your new family, but this issue needs to be addressed firmly and clearly with all aware of your stand. Your twins cannot be exposed to any second hand smoke, there is no safe level. If smoking is happening indoors, your twins should not be in that space, the same goes for cars and/or other vehicles. Your twins need to get thorough and repeated education on the harms caused by smoking (this is critical – without refresher education children easily forget at that age and well into adolescence). Hopefully, your new in-laws are supportive of your stand. A lot of smokers do not want children starting and are aware of how harmful it is (i.e., “I know I’m killing myself, but I can’t stop”). However, some smokers are very offended by anti-smoking measures and second hand smoke avoidance measures. If faced with the latter, your commitment to your children’s’ health must be unwavering no matter how anyone feels about it. No one’s good graces are worth a painful death for your twins. This is a very precarious situation. Remember, children learn in three ways: 1) by example, 2) by example and 3) by example.

The questions above are from parents who live in the South Bay. The responses have been provided by members of the South Bay Coalition whose expertise and experience lies in parenting, counseling, and/or substance abuse prevention. The South Bay Coalition is a non-profit partnership of agencies working to prevent substance abuse among our community’s youth. For local resources or more information, please visit our website http://www.sbcoalition.com or contact: events@sbcoalition.com

The questions above are from parents who live in the South Bay. The responses have been provided by members of the South Bay Coalition whose expertise and experience lies in parenting, counseling, and/or substance abuse prevention. The South Bay Coalition is a non-profit partnership of agencies working to prevent substance abuse among our community’s youth. For local resources, more parenting information, or more about the South Bay Coalition, visit our website: www.thefutureiswatching.org

Four small brewing companies have heeded warnings by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration and have agreed to stop shipping their seven alcoholic energy drinks.

The companies and their products are:

• Charge Beverages Corp.: Core High Gravity HG, Core High Gravity HG Orange, and Lemon Lime Core Spiked
• New Century Brewing Co., LLC: Moonshot
• United Brands Company Inc.: Joose and Max
• Phusion Projects, LLC (doing business as Drink Four Brewing Co.): Four Loko

Last month, the FDA deemed caffeine added to malt alcoholic beverages is an “unsafe food additive” and said that further action, including seizure of their products, was possible under federal law.

Many states, prompted by coalitions, have recently instituted bans, and others have taken or are considering similar steps. States are the primary regulators of alcoholic beverages and have full authority to ban alcoholic energy drinks whether by regulatory or legislative action, or through attorney general enforcement.

Mike Tobias, Michigan Alcohol Policy’s executive director, was one of the coalition leaders who recently banned alcoholic energy drinks in his state.

“Michigan Alcohol Policy is pleased that these companies are finally stopping shipments of their alcohol energy drinks. Although this took more years than we would’ve liked, we applaud the Food and Drug Administration’s recent ruling that caffeine is not a safe additive to alcohol.”

The announcement about halting shipping was announced the same week as the results of a University of Maryland School of Public Health study that suggests college students who routinely consume highly caffeinated energy drinks are at significantly higher risk for becoming alcohol-dependent.

Study author Amelia M. Arria and her colleagues looked at data collected from a survey of nearly 1,100 college students. “We do think that when you drink energy drinks you prolong your alcohol consumption and drink past the point of intoxication because you’re awake longer, which leads to bad consequences,” Arria said in a news release. The study will be published in the February issue of Alcoholism: Clinical & Experimental Research.

Source: cadca.org

November/December 2010

Q: I have two pre-teen sons (10 & 12) who argue about everything and/or nothing at all. We’ve tried taking away privileges, giving rewards, and grounding them – all of this seems to work but only temporarily. Is this a phase or are they just never going to get along?

A: One of the most common complaints from parents who have more than one child is the constant arguing and conflicts that seem to upset the house constantly. Conflict between siblings is ‘normal’ and does more to upset parents and the peace of the house than anything else. It is most effective to handle each conflict situation separately. One of the more effective ways to handle this situation is to determine each conflict situation separately. Distinguish whether the current conflict is one they can settle among themselves or if they need a parent intervention. As parents we often step in too soon which interrupts their learning to solve conflicts on their own. Begin by using an adult intervention. This means taking 15 minutes to stop what you are doing. Sit both children down (they must be of speaking age) on chairs facing themselves. You position yourself between them and act only as a moderator. Below is the format to use to ‘talk’ out the conflict allowing them to process the words needed to say how they feel. Below is the format to use:

BASIC CONFLICT RESOLUTION

A. Two people in conflict sit face to face
B. One person talks at a time – when that person finishes, the other person repeats what they heard before they get their turn.
C. Explain that the person listening may not speak, even if they hear something they don’t agree with.
D. Mediate until conflict is negotiated

Questions: Take one question at a time – each person has their turn before moving to the next question.

1. What did the other person do that upset you?
2. Explain what you felt during the conflict? (I statements)
3. What would you expect of the other person in the future? (negotiate)

Children will greatly benefit from this method, but will not like how much time it takes from their activities. This means they will want to avoid future conflict resolutions if possible. This is where the parent gains power. The next time your children argue, ask if they need a conflict resolution. If they say no, then let them work it out. But don’t forget to set the house rules – ‘inside voices’ and ‘no hitting’ or they automatically go to a conflict resolution.

Q: My 19yo son is causing real problems between my husband and me. He’s got a part-time job making minimum wage – he’s not going to school, he spends too much time playing video games and he does some drinking from time to time. My husband wants to give him a time frame to either get a real job or get back in school, or find another place to live. I feel like that’s setting him up to fail – the economy is in bad shape and I worry about his welfare if he’s not living at home. What should I do?

A: Your son is clearly taking advantage of the kindness of his parents. The most important life lesson you can give to your child (especially one over 18yrs old) is that there are no free rides. The current situation enables your son to avoid growing up. If the situation does not change, he may never. This is the most tragic thing we do to our children. Yes, these are tough times, but there are plenty of temporary jobs out there that, while they may not be the most desirable, pay money. And usually, the longer one works at these jobs the more motivated they become to either look for a better job or go back to school. School would help prepare him for better job opportunities at any time. Tell him if he chooses not to go to school, then he will be expected to pay rent. (You can work out a sliding scale for rent that increases slowly). Or, he can live on his own. This is the most loving thing you can do for your child.
You might also ask yourself why you are providing housing for someone engaging in illegal behavior. 19 is not the legal drinking age. A good therapist can help you and your husband work together to set appropriate boundaries and provide the right resources for your son to grow and mature. Yes, you will worry about his welfare if he is out of the house. If your choice comes down to taking care of your anxiety or helping him grow and have a happy, healthy and productive life, what will your choice be? It may sound easy, but it’s not…a good family therapist can be of tremendous help.

The questions above are from parents who live in the South Bay. The responses have been provided by members of the South Bay Coalition whose expertise and experience lies in parenting, counseling, and/or substance abuse prevention. The South Bay Coalition is a non-profit partnership of agencies working to prevent substance abuse among our community’s youth. For local resources, more parenting information, or more about the South Bay Coalition, visit our website: www.thefutureiswatching.org