PARENTS’ SELF TEST

As amusing as this video is, it makes a great point. Every day our kids are watching us… listening and learning how to become a responsible adult. And the best way we can help, is by setting a good example. Thanks to all of you who do.

In the news: South Bay Coalition’s new media campaign focuses on adults.

The Rosé label features Hello Kitty in a little black dress, winking and holding a glass of wine. The “Devil” and “Angel” wine labels show Hello Kitty with a devil’s tail and angel wings, respectively, and heart-shaped tattoos on each of their behinds. The Brut Rose label displays Hello Kitty in a pink onesie with hearts, and has a special prize hanging on each bottle: a little Hello Kitty pendant on a chain.

Italian winemaker Tenimenti Castelrotto, along with with Camomilla, an Italian fashion company, collaborated to sell the wine with the Hello Kitty brand worldwide. Their rationale for this campaign: “Hello Kitty is not just for children. She is a recognized cult fashion icon among teenagers and adults around the world.”

The Hello Kitty Wine website also lists recipes for mixing the wine with distilled spirits, juice, and/or sugar to make special cocktails. They look like recipes for homemade Hello Kitty alcopops.

The CEO of Innovation Spirits, the company in charge of marketing the wines in the U.S., said that they see the Hello Kitty brand identity as somewhat mature and open to various product interpretations. Their tagline for the wine products is “Our favorite girl has grown up,” to indicate that Hello Kitty, in her 35 years of existence, has crossed over to being a brand for children and adults alike.

The little kitten advertising the alcohol does not look like mature. Her face looks like a young kitten, not a 35-year-old wine drinker. Children will immediately recognize Hello Kitty on the bottles, and want to have one of the pendants. Teenage girls, not legally able to obtain alcohol, are also attracted to the Hello Kitty brand.

Hello Kitty’s portfolio may have expanded from inexpensive coin purses for girls to include luxury fashion bags for women, but alcohol is not like any other product. It is not for children and adults alike, and should not be advertised as such.

Original article from www.MarinInstitute.org.

College prevention programs used to dealing with alcohol and illicit drugs are devoting more attention to drugs like Ritalin and Adderral, but with limited success. Richard Clark, director of medical toxicology at the University of California at San Diego, said that the drugs are being used as mood-lifters and appetite suppressants as well as to improve concentration.

Students say these drugs are easy to obtain on campus for a few dollars and that there is no stigma attached to their use. “I think it’s far more widespread than studies suggest today because the drugs work and because it’s so easy for people to get the drugs in this country,” said Clark.

The drugs are virtually undetectable, unlike alcohol or marijuana, and are obtained from friends, not drug dealers.

“A good chunk of college drug-prevention programs don’t actually do any good,” said James Lange, director of drug and alcohol programs at San Diego State University. Ironically, what has helped reduce misuse of prescription drugs at SDSU has been the economically driven decision to stop the campus health center from diagnosing attention-deficit disorders and prescribing drugs to treat the condition, said Lange; a campaign to address alcohol problems also may have helped because many prescription-drug users also are heavy drinkers.

Original article from www.jointogether.org.

The free Drinks Tracker app generates graphs based on individual alcohol consumption and advises users when they should cut back on drinking. Available from the National Health Service’s Choices website, the software was released as part of the government’s Know Your Limits campaign to promote responsible alcohol use.

“It is all too easy to lose track of how much you drink. So as the festive parties build up, this innovative tool will help people keep tabs on their drinking — wherever they are,” said U.K. public-health minister Gillian Merron. “Sticking within the recommended limits means you reduce the risk of serious conditions such as mouth cancer and strokes.”

For those without Web-enabled phones, the NHS offers a text-messaging service with advice on moderate drinking.

Original article from www.jointogether.org

A: The research on the effects of divorce on children clearly indicates that it is the constant level of unresolved conflict in the home that has the most devastating effects on children, not the fact that their parents are no longer together. It would be good to take steps to find out if you can diminish the conflict in order to handle the remaining conflict appropriately. Very few close relationships are completely conflict free, but they can be handled in a non-damaging manner. First you need to accept the principle that no pattern of ongoing conflict is entirely the fault of either party and that each shares equally in the creation of and continuance of the conflict. Now decide that you want to grow to a higher level of functioning. Invite your husband to join you in seeking a solution. If he is willing, then couples counseling is the ideal place to start. Beware of the idea that just deciding to change will not make any lasting difference; only long, hard work will lead to the real change you seek. If your husband is unwilling to join you in the search for a solution, individual counseling and/or an anger management class are options that you can choose to pursue regardless of whether your spouse is on board or not. Concentrate on your journey of growth – it may lead to an ability to appropriately handle the issues you currently lose control over or it may lead to clarity that the relationship cannot work and the strength to move on with hope. You goal is to make your mind clear on what exactly is needed for you to be happy.

If the parents divorce and leave each other alone (there are some divorces where the couple separate but still fight constantly) the reduction in hostility and conflict will be more helpful to the children than staying together for their sake. The damage currently being done is significant and must stop.

Q: I can’t stand the way my husband addresses the children.  He is angry and punitive. Then he complains about the way I address him in front of the children saying and that I am always criticizing and not supporting him.  The worst part is that I don’t feel supported either, and it feels to me like the children use this to get their way. How do I handle this with my husband?

A: It sounds as if the children may be taking advantage of you and your husbands disagreements to ‘triangulate’ the situation.  Triangulation is a common family dynamic where two factions of a family gang up against the other.  This has a tendency to de-power one of the parents, reinforce the children’s inappropriate choices, and cause untold damage to the parental and marital relationship.

When the parents are divided, in the end it is the children who are not supported.  It would be helpful for you and your husband to sit down and work out some common ground rules for interacting and disciplining the children.  The premise is based on the fact that the parents need to be on the same page. They DO NOT need to agree on the content of what each other says, or the style in which they deliver the message, but they DO NEED to agree on what the expectation is for the child.  Dad and mom need to decide which behaviors are acceptable and which are not.  For instance, if both agree that whining is not acceptable, then the common ground to originate from is to focus on the child’s whining and not on how dad expresses his displeasure.  Even if dad is over the top on his response, mom needs to support the no whining rule and not focus the issue on dad’s improper method of discipline.  In fact, it gives mom the opportunity to step in and be supportive of the dad, to demonstrate a less emotionally impacted response to the unacceptable behavior, and support dad at the same time.  Remember, the main focus is on modifying the children’s behavior.

Anger is a normal part of the human emotional continuum and is only problematic when expressed in a destructive way; hence the availability of anger management classes not anger removal classes.

It sounds like couples counseling and parenting skills development (whether in counseling or in a separate class) are pressing needs for you and your husband. While you are arranging that, see if you can reach an agreement with your husband to discuss all disciplinary decisions regarding your children are not around. Take the time that you need to reach a consensus that you can both support. Many parents make poor disciplinary decisions born of either an erroneous belief that the decision must be immediate or emotional reactivity. Often the very actions which require discipline are born of the child’s impulsive nature – but impulsive, rushed or reactive parenting rarely has a positive lasting impact

Do not criticize or judge your spouse for a poor choice.  We all make them, and they will only go away when we feel secure enough to see the harm they cause and see the way to correct it.  But we change on our own; we do not change because someone else forces us to change.

The questions above are from parents who live in the South Bay. The responses have been provided by members of the South Bay Coalition whose expertise and experience lies in parenting, counseling, and or substance abuse prevention. The South Bay Coalition is a non-profit partnership of agencies working to prevent substance abuse among our community’s youth.  For local resources or to order our booklet: A Parent’s Guide To The Prevention Of Alcohol And Other Drugs, please visit our website www.sbcoalition.com or contact: events@sbcoalition.com.

A: What makes this question so difficult is that there are a ton of variables, obviously, too many to have an exact answer, so we offer a ‘rule of thumb’ at best. Without a commitment to a long term relationship (including to the children) their authority is, and should be, severely limited. They should be able to address immediate safety issues and hold boundaries about their own person and belongings (but not set boundaries for the children). All adults in the home should have some power to enforce, or support the rules established by the parent. Making new rules should be reserved for the legal guardian of the children, and if the ‘significant other’ wants input, they need to go through the parent for their approval. However, all limits and structure need to come from the parent. Children need to know that all adults are watching to make sure they are held accountable for the ‘established’ rules. Next, evaluate the stage of relationship. If this is an established commitment, (i.e. engagement or ‘living together, non-married commitment) and it appears that this person intends on being there for the foreseeable future, then it becomes critical that they be included in the setting of the rules for the house as well as the children, even if they have never had children. The main reason for this makes reference to the fact that if the ’secondary’ adult feels powerless and non-valuable to the home, it will create a plethora of issues for both the relationship and the children – most of the time it fosters resentment and hurt. A happy, healthy home is one where the rules are clearly established for everyone to know and understand, and all of the adults are fair, firm, and consistent.

Q: Whenever I get into a fight with my 12 year old son, he just turns to me and asks with teary eyes, “why did you even have me?” This makes me feel terrible, like I’ve done something bad and let him down. What do I say to him?

A: It is difficult to give specific feedback to this question without knowing what a “fight” between you and your son consists of, the frequency of the fights, what they are over, and what happens after them. It is important that you talk with your son about this at a time separate from the fighting and ask what he believes the answer to that question to be and what he hopes to hear from you, what he fears to hear from you. You would also want to reflect on what you verbalize to him during “fights” and ask yourself if any of it may give him a message that he is a burden, annoyance or other negative force in your life. However, generally speaking, your son’s actions are most likely a ‘button pusher’. A button pusher is a phrase, look, action or sound that is intended to arouse, irritate, or stir bad emotions with their parents. The use of button pushers are, in a true sense, the only real ‘power’ that a child has over an adult. It is one form of manipulation. At some point, most children do this, it is natural and normal. What do you do? Prepare a ‘non- engaging’ response, like; “I always value and love you – now please take out the trash” or “I always value and love you, but I am not changing my mind about staying up late.” This interrupts the child’s power plan and re-establishes your decisions as firm.

The questions above are from parents who live in the South Bay. The responses have been provided by members of the South Bay Coalition whose expertise and experience lies in parenting, counseling, and or substance abuse prevention. The South Bay Coalition is a non-profit partnership of agencies working to prevent substance abuse among our community’s youth. For local resources or to order our booklet: A Parent’s Guide To The Prevention Of Alcohol And Other Drugs, please visit our website www.sbcoalition.com or contact: events@sbcoalition.com.

A: The line between being appropriately strict or overly controlling can be a fine one, and maintaining the balancing act between the two can be very difficult. The tips below are just a few that might be helpful in making this determination. You may be over controlling, if:

1. There is no room left for your child to make decisions or exhibit self control, your child may be losing out on some wonderful opportunities for growth and maturity. Discovering that increased freedoms can be earned by exhibiting good judgment is a valuable and healthy lesson for kids to learn.
2. You are more focused on decreasing your own anxiety than on the real risks/benefits to your child.
3. You feel like you’re in a “win or lose” battle with your child and are afraid of losing, over controlling becomes a big risk. If you feel you have to prove you are in control, it’s harder to see when healthy boundaries have been crossed.

While environments outside the family are important, parents should be wary about relying too often on what other neighborhood parents are doing. This can actually work against you – resulting in looser limits and boundaries, which can eventually snowball into unhealthy, high risk social norms such as those neighborhoods where teen drinking is considered normal and is passively or actively condoned by the adults.

Finally, there are many resources available to parents in the South Bay who feel they need professional assistance through parenting classes or individual or family counseling. Visit the Coalition’s website: www.sbcoalition.com for resource information.

Q: When is it appropriate to drug-test my child?

A: If your child is breaking the trust that exists between a parent and child by deliberately engaging in activities that are violating the family rules, and if your instincts tell you that your child may be using alcohol or other drugs, the best first step is to try communicating your observations and concerns. If your child’s behavior does not change, that’s when you pick him/her up from school and drive them to a testing facility.

Drug tests are the one kind of test that you do not want your child to study for. A quick search of the internet will show you that kids have a variety of means and methods at their fingertips showing them how to avoid positive tests. Tests need to be observed and not done in a regular, predictable pattern. It is strongly recommended that the test be done at a drug and alcohol treatment center or with the involvement of a counselor. A family’s ability to correctly interpret the meaning of the results and to appropriately deal with those results is greatly enhanced by the involvement of a professional counselor.

Q: What do I do if my spouse won’t back me up when it comes to disciplining the children?

A: This is the 100 million dollar question because children know when one parent is not going along with the other and they will naturally be drawn to the parent who they can get around. The risks in a situation like this are very high. It is the duty of all parents to be as consistent as possible with their children and present a united front when disciplining their children.

Start by laying out both parents’ expectations and arriving at a parenting plan that is a compromise of each of your belief systems. This way you have at least a partial investment to begin with and will be more apt to support the total program. If attempts between the parents to work out an agreed upon approach have failed, it is imperative to seek professional help. A skilled family counselor can be of great assistance in attaining unity and cohesion. The bottom line is, do whatever it takes to get your spouse on board. Get into a discussion, either through trusted friends, or therapy, do whatever it takes – your child’s future depends on it.

The questions above are from parents who live in the South Bay. The responses have been provided by members of the South Bay Coalition whose expertise and experience lies in parenting, counseling, and or substance abuse prevention. The South Bay Coalition is a non-profit partnership of agencies working to prevent substance abuse among our community’s youth. For local resources or to order our booklet: A Parent’s Guide To The Prevention Of Alcohol And Other Drugs, please visit our website www.sbcoalition.com or contact: events@sbcoalition.com

One in four youth under age 18 lives in a family where a person abuses alcohol or suffers from alcoholism.

The toll addiction takes on these children can be extensive.

Children of addiction (COAs) are at significantly greater risk for:

.        Mental illness or emotional problems, such as depression or anxiety

.        Physical health problems

.        Learning problems, including difficulty with cognitive and verbal skills, conceptual reasoning and abstract thinking

.        Verbal, physical, sexual abuse and neglect

.        Their own addiction

Children whose parents abuse alcohol or drugs are almost three times more likely to be verbally, physically or sexually abused; and four times more likely than other children to be neglected. Strong scientific evidence also suggests that addiction tends to run in families. COAs are four times more likely than non-COAs to develop alcoholism or other drug problems.

Here is a brief questionnaire to help you privately assess your use of chemicals-and the reasons why you use them. There are no right or wrong answers! The purpose these questions is merely to help you focus on your own alcohol and other drug-related attitudes and behaviors. Despite what you (or others) say, these are the attitudes and behaviors that your children will most likely copy. Go through the questions and answer them honestly. You may discover some surprising things about yourself!

1. When you have friends over, do you immediately offer them an alcoholic beverage?

2. When you have a headache, do you immediately take a pill to get rid of the pain?

3. When you are nervous or upset, is your immediate response to “take something” to get rid of the feeling?

4. Have your children ever seen you drunk?

5. In your home, is it considered “manly” or “macho” to be able to drink a lot? Is it “unlady-like” to drink a lot?

6. In your home, do people joke about getting drunk and doing crazy things?

7. Do your children ever hear you and your partner arguing about one or the other having had too much to drink?

8. Do you smoke cigarettes? Have you ever warned your children about smoking while you were smoking?

The above information is brought to you by the South Bay Coalition. The South Bay Coalition (www.sbcoalition.com) is a non-profit partnership of agencies working to prevent substance abuse among our community’s youth. To order our booklet: A Parent’s Guide To The Prevention Of Alcohol And Other Drugs, please visit our website or contact: events@sbcoalition.com.