PARENTS’ SELF TEST

As amusing as this video is, it makes a great point. Every day our kids are watching us… listening and learning how to become a responsible adult. And the best way we can help, is by setting a good example. Thanks to all of you who do.

In the news: South Bay Coalition’s new media campaign focuses on adults.

A: What makes this question so difficult is that there are a ton of variables, obviously, too many to have an exact answer, so we offer a ‘rule of thumb’ at best. Without a commitment to a long term relationship (including to the children) their authority is, and should be, severely limited. They should be able to address immediate safety issues and hold boundaries about their own person and belongings (but not set boundaries for the children). All adults in the home should have some power to enforce, or support the rules established by the parent. Making new rules should be reserved for the legal guardian of the children, and if the ‘significant other’ wants input, they need to go through the parent for their approval. However, all limits and structure need to come from the parent. Children need to know that all adults are watching to make sure they are held accountable for the ‘established’ rules. Next, evaluate the stage of relationship. If this is an established commitment, (i.e. engagement or ‘living together, non-married commitment) and it appears that this person intends on being there for the foreseeable future, then it becomes critical that they be included in the setting of the rules for the house as well as the children, even if they have never had children. The main reason for this makes reference to the fact that if the ’secondary’ adult feels powerless and non-valuable to the home, it will create a plethora of issues for both the relationship and the children – most of the time it fosters resentment and hurt. A happy, healthy home is one where the rules are clearly established for everyone to know and understand, and all of the adults are fair, firm, and consistent.

Q: Whenever I get into a fight with my 12 year old son, he just turns to me and asks with teary eyes, “why did you even have me?” This makes me feel terrible, like I’ve done something bad and let him down. What do I say to him?

A: It is difficult to give specific feedback to this question without knowing what a “fight” between you and your son consists of, the frequency of the fights, what they are over, and what happens after them. It is important that you talk with your son about this at a time separate from the fighting and ask what he believes the answer to that question to be and what he hopes to hear from you, what he fears to hear from you. You would also want to reflect on what you verbalize to him during “fights” and ask yourself if any of it may give him a message that he is a burden, annoyance or other negative force in your life. However, generally speaking, your son’s actions are most likely a ‘button pusher’. A button pusher is a phrase, look, action or sound that is intended to arouse, irritate, or stir bad emotions with their parents. The use of button pushers are, in a true sense, the only real ‘power’ that a child has over an adult. It is one form of manipulation. At some point, most children do this, it is natural and normal. What do you do? Prepare a ‘non- engaging’ response, like; “I always value and love you – now please take out the trash” or “I always value and love you, but I am not changing my mind about staying up late.” This interrupts the child’s power plan and re-establishes your decisions as firm.

The questions above are from parents who live in the South Bay. The responses have been provided by members of the South Bay Coalition whose expertise and experience lies in parenting, counseling, and or substance abuse prevention. The South Bay Coalition is a non-profit partnership of agencies working to prevent substance abuse among our community’s youth. For local resources or to order our booklet: A Parent’s Guide To The Prevention Of Alcohol And Other Drugs, please visit our website www.sbcoalition.com or contact: events@sbcoalition.com.

As we start another year, we all have another opportunity to begin anew all of our efforts to combat the use of alcohol, tobacco, and other drugs by our young people. By all of us, I especially mean parents, teachers, adults and the young people themselves. So many of our young people are faced with difficult decisions, and the bad ones are often times accompanied by peer pressure by those who have already taken major steps to permanently and negatively affect their future through alcohol and other drug abuse.

Why do young people intentionally choose to abuse substances that they know are illegal at their age and know are bad for their health? Probably because adults, as well as the media and film industry, make it appear so much fun to do. I’m not being critical of adults for their use of tobacco and alcohol, though I do harshly criticize adults who indulge in illegal drugs. But, for any adult who believes that their child is not using these substances, you need to be aware that statistically, over half of all teenagers use one of these substances…many to excess! The bottom line is that pressure from their peers and their own faulty decision making leads them down this dangerous path and many young people who do not successfully leave this path suffer tragic consequences. For young people, take these statistics to heart! Alcohol and other drugs destroy lives! Don’t add to the long, long list of those who learned the hard way!

For parents…if a school offers voluntary drug testing programs and your child is not a part of that program, that is a huge red flag! If a coach encourages his or her athletes not to participate in drug testing programs, that is another huge red flag. If your children avoid you when they come home late at night, that is a huge red flag! The police and the schools can only do so much when it comes to helping your children avoid alcohol, tobacco, and other drugs. The major responsibility falls on you…parents and coaches. Drug testing holds people accountable. If you suspect, ask your child about testing. If they refuse, there is probably use taking place. The consequences are to wait until something tragic happens, by which time, it may be too late to make a difference.
Did you know that out of every 100 people that apply to become police officers only 1% are hired? Alcohol and other drugs are a major factor in disqualifying applicants that didn’t realize the consequences of illegal drug use and underage drinking. It comes down to a matter of courage, judgment, and character. It takes tremendous courage to “say no” to peer pressure. And it shows strength in judgment and character to stay away from things that you know are bad for you.

It is a team effort to help our young people stay away from alcohol, tobacco, and other drugs. Let’s all do our part to help ensure their long life and success!

The above information from TheAntiDrug.com, is brought to you by the South Bay Coalition and the Manhattan Beach Police Department. The South Bay Coalition (www.sbcoalition.com) is a non-profit partnership of agencies working to prevent substance abuse among our community’s youth. To order our booklet: A Parent’s Guide To The Prevention Of Alcohol And Other Drugs, please visit our website or contact: events@sbcoalition.com.

Getting a driver’s license is a milestone in a teen’s life. Each year, some 9,000 16-and 17-year-olds get behind the wheel nationwide with their driver’s licenses. Young drivers are already at risk for car crashes, due to the combination of driving inexperience and distractions, such as having additional passengers in the car, eating, or talking on cell phones. In fact, collisions are the leading cause of death for young people aged 15-20. These accident risks are greater when the driver is using illicit drugs, such as marijuana, as well.

Here are some guidelines parents can follow to help their teen avoid drugged, drunk, and distracted driving:

Know What’s In The Car: One of the most common places high school seniors report smoking marijuana is in their cars. There are numerous products on the market that disguise drugs and drug paraphernalia as everyday items, such as soda cans and CD cases, which teens can easily carry in cars without attracting attention. Parents should become familiar with these items – and other hiding places for drugs – and conduct occasional car checks.

Map Out A Plan: Set limits on driving, especially in high-risk conditions such as at night or on the highway, in poor weather conditions and with other teens in the car. Limit your teen from riding with other new drivers, and make sure he or she never gets in a car with anyone who has been drinking or using other drugs.

Take Caution: Know where your teen is and who he or she is with. Get to know your teen’s friends and their friends’ parents. Be sure you know the route they intend to drive when they go out.

Establish Pit Stops: Develop a check-in time with your teen – a time when your child calls in and gives a “status report” of where he or she is and who he or she is with.

Go For A Spin: Reinforce safe driving skills with your teen even after he or she has a license by going for drives together. This can also be a good time to catch up and have an open conversation about important issues like alcohol or other drugs.

Did You Know?

.        Approximately one in six high school seniors in the U.S. report driving under the influence of marijuana.

.        Nearly one in five 16-year-old drivers is involved in a collision in their first year of driving.

To keep teen drivers safe on the road, many states are imposing rules regarding the number of passengers teen drivers can have in the car, cell phone usage and the number of hours new drivers can be on the road. Be sure to check with your state’s Department of Transportation web site for specific details.

The above information from TheAntiDrug.com, is brought to you by the South Bay Coalition and the Manhattan Beach Police Department. The South Bay Coalition (www.sbcoalition.com) is a non-profit partnership of agencies working to prevent substance abuse among our community’s youth.To order our booklet: A Parent’s Guide To The Prevention Of Alcohol And Other Drugs, please visit our website or contact: events@sbcoalition.com.

What You Can Do

Parents should communicate their values about sex with their teen. Talk about the risks of sexual behavior and discuss healthy dating relationships, including respect and responsibility. Parents can also help smooth the emotional bumps through balance. Let your teens know you’re there if they need you, but don’t be intrusive. Give them the psychological space they need. If you demonstrate your continued interest in communicating, your teens will talk when they are ready.

Pushing the Envelope

Middle adolescence is often the most challenging time for parents. Hormones can fuel extreme emotions as teens start to separate from their parents. Teens begin to develop their identities, ideals and morals. They may disagree more about everyday issues and challenge limits. As they begin to “try on” different identities, they are more likely to take risks, such as using tobacco, alcohol, or other drugs.

What You Can Do

Teens want independence and the freedom to make choices. Parents can help by trying to subtly guide their decision-making, rather than controlling it. Don’t shy away from saying what you think is best. Teens want to know where you stand. Avoid power struggles and revisit some limits as your teen matures.

The Bandwagon

Peers are a big influence, and peer groups often include members of the opposite sex. Teens are spending more time away from home. There is more social pressure to rebel against parental rules and limits. Bullying is common and often directed at teens that have low self-esteem, lack social skills or are socially isolated. Verbal bullying among girls is increasingly widespread and may include gossiping, name-calling and spreading of rumors.

What You Can Do

Parents can tap into teens’ values on individuality by encouraging them to think for themselves and make independent decisions. If your teen suffers from low self-esteem or is the victim of bullying, help them build confidence by tapping into their interests and natural abilities and by providing opportunities to build social and coping skills. Watch for signs of mental health or school performance problems and seek help if needed.

“I’m Thinking About It”

Changes in the brain mean teens’ appetite for excitement is at a high point, leading to more risk-taking. Their ability to use good judgment and decision making is still limited. Complex thinking skills often emerge unevenly in teens, leading to patterns of thinking that frustrate many parents. Teens may be self-absorbed and think their peers and others are also constantly thinking about and looking at them. There is also a sense of personal immunity (“it can’t happen to me”), and all-or-nothing thinking (“everybody hates me!”).

What You Can Do

Because judgment is still immature, many teens might not think before they act. Parent should continue to provide structure and clear expectations. As a parent, you can help by not being dismissive of your teen, listening and helping him/her draw realistic conclusions about his/her concerns.

Navigating parenthood in the 21st century is more complex and complicated than ever before. We are grateful to The Beach Reporter for providing this opportunity to offer parents information, tips, and resources to help make their relationships with their teens more positive and productive.

The South Bay Coalition is dedicated to substance abuse prevention among the youth in our local cities. In order to ensure our programs, materials, and activities continue to be relevant to both teens and parents, we have developed a survey where parents can give us feedback on their beliefs and concerns about their children and community. We invite you to visit our website at: www.sbcoalition.com and take the survey. It’s all electronic and will only take about 10 minutes of your time. Thank you.

The teenage mind can be one of the most beautiful things in the world. It can also be baffling to anyone who is not a peer, let alone twenty or thirty years older. We are talking about you, the parents. You raised us, taught us the rules of society and the way the world works…but so often the connection is lost as we get older. That is why we are writing this letter: we are the Youth Advisory Committee, a group of high school students around the South Bay who have banded together to promote alcohol and other drug-free lifestyles among our fellow youth. We are here neither to preach about parenting nor to provide solutions to your parent-child problems, but to give you a glimpse of the high school student’s mind as we ourselves experience it. Please remember that we are not relationship experts – we are just real teenagers who know the reality of high school.

First of all, high school is stressful. It does not matter whether our classes are more rigorous or not, because stress comes from teachers, relationships, extra-curricular activities, sleep-deprivation, and balancing everything in our lives the right way. We are adapting to an identity, finding ourselves, and moving away from childhood. Most parents have forgotten what it was like to be a teenager, and it does not help that most of us think that being a teenager in today’s world is a lot harsher than it was twenty or thirty years ago. Parents sometimes think that placing a lot of pressure on their students to go to the top college in the country will be helpful, but you have to understand that many teenagers become rebellious. For many students, this becomes a direct path toward alcohol and other drugs, which are extremely accessible in most high schools – more so than you might think. We tend to respond to a fair balance of guidance and disciplined freedom a lot better. Tell us your truth, your opinions, what you know to be right and wrong, but please trust us and openly care for us and our futures. We may not always say it, but for the most part we actually appreciate it if you have confidence in our abilities to be good people, or let us know that you are available to talk to about anything. If anything, do not belittle us. A lot of teenagers who feel they cannot find strength, foundation, or confidence in their home will turn to empowerment from harmful substances. In our times of insecurity, we need someone to talk to who we know will at least attempt to understand and not immediately turn to anger or disappointment. Otherwise, you could become another source of stress we will simply deny and avoid. Teenagers are talented in shutting things out – the key is to become a good example, be a part of our lives, be an honest helpful source of leadership, and provide a place to turn to over so many of the world’s distracting and often dangerous influences.

You may not know, however, if your child has already become a drug-user or alcoholic. There are definite signs parents seem to miss. In all probability, your child will attend a party and “experiment” at least once, but there is an extreme difference between one-time use and addiction. You should be very curious if you notice that: your kid is constantly tired (and it is not caused by schoolwork); you are missing large sums of money, or your kid is spending a lot on mysterious items. Also note if your teenage child is repeatedly missing school: you should be wondering where they are going. Missing school excessively can also be a sign of rebellion or a call for attention. Know who your child is spending time with, but do not judge immediately: there is no better place than high school to say that looks are deceiving. Above all, do not be in denial and do not ignore red flag warnings. Be firm about your policy on alcohol or other drugs, but remember that forward care and support are extremely important. We are young, but we are smart. If you are doing little to stop self-destructive behavior, we will wonder why. Do not stop trying to communicate with your child, because we appreciate the concern and attention even if it does not seem that way.

Nothing influences a teenager quite like the parent, so please be one; you are not helping if you are watching passively every day as we grow into an adult human being.

Sincerely,

The Youth Advisory Committee

The above information is brought to you by the South Bay Coalition. The South Bay Coalition (www.sbcoalition.com) is a non-profit partnership of agencies working to prevent substance abuse among our community’s youth. The Youth Advisory Committee sponsors and runs middle school dances throughout the school year, runs the Late Night Sports program, participates in the Coalition’s Youth Summit Day for middle school students, and offers a speakers panel for area workshops and other events. Three YAC members serve as voting members on the Coalition’s Board of Directors.

Here are some things you can do to help your teen deal with their life:

Emotionally Connect With Your Child

Give your child extra attention and consideration. Keeping the lines of communication open and encouraging discussion is key. Be there to listen and share your own experiences from high school.

Be Alert to Signs of Stress

These signs may present as anxiety, aggressive behavior, stomachaches/headaches or a desire to stay home from school and other activities.

Consults with Teachers and Staff

If you know your teen is going through a hard time at school or has come into conflict with peers, make sure teachers and other school staff are in the loop.

Feelings don’t need to be “fixed.” Instead, focus on helping your child understand and deal with his/her experiences. If signs of stress don’t seem to be subsiding after a few weeks, consider consulting a mental health professional who has special experience working with youth.

In addition, speak with your teen about not being on the other side of the coin – the person doing the teasing or gossiping. Being popular may be a very important goal for your teen, but gaining popularity should not be at the expense of a peer’s feelings or your child’s personal well-being.