A: What makes this question so difficult is that there are a ton of variables, obviously, too many to have an exact answer, so we offer a ‘rule of thumb’ at best. Without a commitment to a long term relationship (including to the children) their authority is, and should be, severely limited. They should be able to address immediate safety issues and hold boundaries about their own person and belongings (but not set boundaries for the children). All adults in the home should have some power to enforce, or support the rules established by the parent. Making new rules should be reserved for the legal guardian of the children, and if the ‘significant other’ wants input, they need to go through the parent for their approval. However, all limits and structure need to come from the parent. Children need to know that all adults are watching to make sure they are held accountable for the ‘established’ rules. Next, evaluate the stage of relationship. If this is an established commitment, (i.e. engagement or ‘living together, non-married commitment) and it appears that this person intends on being there for the foreseeable future, then it becomes critical that they be included in the setting of the rules for the house as well as the children, even if they have never had children. The main reason for this makes reference to the fact that if the ’secondary’ adult feels powerless and non-valuable to the home, it will create a plethora of issues for both the relationship and the children – most of the time it fosters resentment and hurt. A happy, healthy home is one where the rules are clearly established for everyone to know and understand, and all of the adults are fair, firm, and consistent.

Q: Whenever I get into a fight with my 12 year old son, he just turns to me and asks with teary eyes, “why did you even have me?” This makes me feel terrible, like I’ve done something bad and let him down. What do I say to him?

A: It is difficult to give specific feedback to this question without knowing what a “fight” between you and your son consists of, the frequency of the fights, what they are over, and what happens after them. It is important that you talk with your son about this at a time separate from the fighting and ask what he believes the answer to that question to be and what he hopes to hear from you, what he fears to hear from you. You would also want to reflect on what you verbalize to him during “fights” and ask yourself if any of it may give him a message that he is a burden, annoyance or other negative force in your life. However, generally speaking, your son’s actions are most likely a ‘button pusher’. A button pusher is a phrase, look, action or sound that is intended to arouse, irritate, or stir bad emotions with their parents. The use of button pushers are, in a true sense, the only real ‘power’ that a child has over an adult. It is one form of manipulation. At some point, most children do this, it is natural and normal. What do you do? Prepare a ‘non- engaging’ response, like; “I always value and love you – now please take out the trash” or “I always value and love you, but I am not changing my mind about staying up late.” This interrupts the child’s power plan and re-establishes your decisions as firm.

The questions above are from parents who live in the South Bay. The responses have been provided by members of the South Bay Coalition whose expertise and experience lies in parenting, counseling, and or substance abuse prevention. The South Bay Coalition is a non-profit partnership of agencies working to prevent substance abuse among our community’s youth. For local resources or to order our booklet: A Parent’s Guide To The Prevention Of Alcohol And Other Drugs, please visit our website www.sbcoalition.com or contact: events@sbcoalition.com.

Getting a driver’s license is a milestone in a teen’s life. Each year, some 9,000 16-and 17-year-olds get behind the wheel nationwide with their driver’s licenses. Young drivers are already at risk for car crashes, due to the combination of driving inexperience and distractions, such as having additional passengers in the car, eating, or talking on cell phones. In fact, collisions are the leading cause of death for young people aged 15-20. These accident risks are greater when the driver is using illicit drugs, such as marijuana, as well.

Here are some guidelines parents can follow to help their teen avoid drugged, drunk, and distracted driving:

Know What’s In The Car: One of the most common places high school seniors report smoking marijuana is in their cars. There are numerous products on the market that disguise drugs and drug paraphernalia as everyday items, such as soda cans and CD cases, which teens can easily carry in cars without attracting attention. Parents should become familiar with these items – and other hiding places for drugs – and conduct occasional car checks.

Map Out A Plan: Set limits on driving, especially in high-risk conditions such as at night or on the highway, in poor weather conditions and with other teens in the car. Limit your teen from riding with other new drivers, and make sure he or she never gets in a car with anyone who has been drinking or using other drugs.

Take Caution: Know where your teen is and who he or she is with. Get to know your teen’s friends and their friends’ parents. Be sure you know the route they intend to drive when they go out.

Establish Pit Stops: Develop a check-in time with your teen – a time when your child calls in and gives a “status report” of where he or she is and who he or she is with.

Go For A Spin: Reinforce safe driving skills with your teen even after he or she has a license by going for drives together. This can also be a good time to catch up and have an open conversation about important issues like alcohol or other drugs.

Did You Know?

.        Approximately one in six high school seniors in the U.S. report driving under the influence of marijuana.

.        Nearly one in five 16-year-old drivers is involved in a collision in their first year of driving.

To keep teen drivers safe on the road, many states are imposing rules regarding the number of passengers teen drivers can have in the car, cell phone usage and the number of hours new drivers can be on the road. Be sure to check with your state’s Department of Transportation web site for specific details.

The above information from TheAntiDrug.com, is brought to you by the South Bay Coalition and the Manhattan Beach Police Department. The South Bay Coalition (www.sbcoalition.com) is a non-profit partnership of agencies working to prevent substance abuse among our community’s youth.To order our booklet: A Parent’s Guide To The Prevention Of Alcohol And Other Drugs, please visit our website or contact: events@sbcoalition.com.

The teenage mind can be one of the most beautiful things in the world. It can also be baffling to anyone who is not a peer, let alone twenty or thirty years older. We are talking about you, the parents. You raised us, taught us the rules of society and the way the world works…but so often the connection is lost as we get older. That is why we are writing this letter: we are the Youth Advisory Committee, a group of high school students around the South Bay who have banded together to promote alcohol and other drug-free lifestyles among our fellow youth. We are here neither to preach about parenting nor to provide solutions to your parent-child problems, but to give you a glimpse of the high school student’s mind as we ourselves experience it. Please remember that we are not relationship experts – we are just real teenagers who know the reality of high school.

First of all, high school is stressful. It does not matter whether our classes are more rigorous or not, because stress comes from teachers, relationships, extra-curricular activities, sleep-deprivation, and balancing everything in our lives the right way. We are adapting to an identity, finding ourselves, and moving away from childhood. Most parents have forgotten what it was like to be a teenager, and it does not help that most of us think that being a teenager in today’s world is a lot harsher than it was twenty or thirty years ago. Parents sometimes think that placing a lot of pressure on their students to go to the top college in the country will be helpful, but you have to understand that many teenagers become rebellious. For many students, this becomes a direct path toward alcohol and other drugs, which are extremely accessible in most high schools – more so than you might think. We tend to respond to a fair balance of guidance and disciplined freedom a lot better. Tell us your truth, your opinions, what you know to be right and wrong, but please trust us and openly care for us and our futures. We may not always say it, but for the most part we actually appreciate it if you have confidence in our abilities to be good people, or let us know that you are available to talk to about anything. If anything, do not belittle us. A lot of teenagers who feel they cannot find strength, foundation, or confidence in their home will turn to empowerment from harmful substances. In our times of insecurity, we need someone to talk to who we know will at least attempt to understand and not immediately turn to anger or disappointment. Otherwise, you could become another source of stress we will simply deny and avoid. Teenagers are talented in shutting things out – the key is to become a good example, be a part of our lives, be an honest helpful source of leadership, and provide a place to turn to over so many of the world’s distracting and often dangerous influences.

You may not know, however, if your child has already become a drug-user or alcoholic. There are definite signs parents seem to miss. In all probability, your child will attend a party and “experiment” at least once, but there is an extreme difference between one-time use and addiction. You should be very curious if you notice that: your kid is constantly tired (and it is not caused by schoolwork); you are missing large sums of money, or your kid is spending a lot on mysterious items. Also note if your teenage child is repeatedly missing school: you should be wondering where they are going. Missing school excessively can also be a sign of rebellion or a call for attention. Know who your child is spending time with, but do not judge immediately: there is no better place than high school to say that looks are deceiving. Above all, do not be in denial and do not ignore red flag warnings. Be firm about your policy on alcohol or other drugs, but remember that forward care and support are extremely important. We are young, but we are smart. If you are doing little to stop self-destructive behavior, we will wonder why. Do not stop trying to communicate with your child, because we appreciate the concern and attention even if it does not seem that way.

Nothing influences a teenager quite like the parent, so please be one; you are not helping if you are watching passively every day as we grow into an adult human being.

Sincerely,

The Youth Advisory Committee

The above information is brought to you by the South Bay Coalition. The South Bay Coalition (www.sbcoalition.com) is a non-profit partnership of agencies working to prevent substance abuse among our community’s youth. The Youth Advisory Committee sponsors and runs middle school dances throughout the school year, runs the Late Night Sports program, participates in the Coalition’s Youth Summit Day for middle school students, and offers a speakers panel for area workshops and other events. Three YAC members serve as voting members on the Coalition’s Board of Directors.

Here are some things you can do to help your teen deal with their life:

Emotionally Connect With Your Child

Give your child extra attention and consideration. Keeping the lines of communication open and encouraging discussion is key. Be there to listen and share your own experiences from high school.

Be Alert to Signs of Stress

These signs may present as anxiety, aggressive behavior, stomachaches/headaches or a desire to stay home from school and other activities.

Consults with Teachers and Staff

If you know your teen is going through a hard time at school or has come into conflict with peers, make sure teachers and other school staff are in the loop.

Feelings don’t need to be “fixed.” Instead, focus on helping your child understand and deal with his/her experiences. If signs of stress don’t seem to be subsiding after a few weeks, consider consulting a mental health professional who has special experience working with youth.

In addition, speak with your teen about not being on the other side of the coin – the person doing the teasing or gossiping. Being popular may be a very important goal for your teen, but gaining popularity should not be at the expense of a peer’s feelings or your child’s personal well-being.

Get Educated

First, learn as much as you can. Sign up for TheAntiDrug Parenting Tips Newsletter or visit www.Freevibe.com for information and scientific evident on alcohol and other drug use by teens. Or, call the National Clearinghouse for Alcohol and Drug Information (NCADI) for free pamphlets and fact sheets. They can be reached at 1-800-788-2800 or visit their web site at http://www.health.org.

Have The Talk – Let Them Know You Know

The next thing you can do is sit down and talk with your child. Be sure to have the conversation when you are all calm and have plenty of time. This isn’t an easy task – your feelings may range from anger to guilt that you “failed” because your kid is using drugs. This isn’t true – by staying involved you can help him/her stop using and make choices that will make a positive difference in his/her life.

Be Specific About Your Concerns

Tell your child what you see and how you feel about it. Be specific about the things you have observed that cause concern. Make it known if you found drug paraphernalia (or empty bottles or cans). Explain exactly how his/her behavior or appearance (bloodshot eyes, different clothing) has changed and why that worries you. Tell him/her that alcohol or other drug use is dangerous and it’s your job to keep him/her away from things that put him/her in danger.

Don’t Make Excuses

Although it’s natural for parents to make excuses for their child, you’re not helping him/her if you make excuses when he/she misses school or family functions when you suspect something else is at play. Take the next step. Talk to your child and get more information.

Try To Remain Calm And Connect With Him/Her

Have this discussion without getting mad or accusing your child of being stupid or bad or an embarrassment to the family. Be firm but loving with your tone and try not to get hooked into an argument. Knowing that kids are naturally private about their lives, try to find out what’s going on in your child’s life. Try not to make the discussion an inquisition; simply try to connect with your teen and find out why he/she may be making bad choices. Find out if friends or others offered your child drugs at a party or at school. Did he/she try it just out of curiosity, or did he/she use marijuana or alcohol for some other reason? That alone will be a signal to your child that you care and that you are going to be the parent exercising your rights.

Be Prepared. Practice What You’ll Say

Be prepared for your teen to deny using drugs. Don’t expect him/her to admit he/she has a problem. Your child will probably get angry and might try to change the subject. Maybe you’ll be confronted with questions about what you did as a kid. If you are asked, it is best to be honest, and if you can, connect your use to negative consequences. Answering deceptively can cause you to lose credibility with your kids if they ever find out that you’ve lied to them. On the other hand, if you don’t feel comfortable answering the question, you can talk about some specific people you know that have had negative things happen to them as a result of alcohol and other drug use. However, if the time comes to talk about it, you can give short, honest answers like these:

“When I was a kid I took drugs because of my friends did. I did it in order to fit in. If I’d know then about the consequences and how they affect my life, I never would’ve tried drugs. I’ll do everything I can to help keep you away from them.”

“I drank alcohol and smoked marijuana because I was bored and wanted to take some risks, but I soon found out that I couldn’t control the risks – the loss of trust of my parents and friends. There are much better ways of challenging yourself than doing drugs.”

Act Now

You can begin to more closely monitor your child’s activities. Have a few conversations. Ask: Who? What? Where? When? Reflect with your child on why he/she is using drugs and try to understand the reasons why so that you can help solve the problem. When you get a better idea of the situation, then you can decide next steps. These could include setting new rules and consequences that are reasonable and enforceable – such as a new curfew, no cell phone or computer privileges for a period of time, or less time hanging out with friends. You may want to get them involved in pro-social activities that will keep them busy and help them meet new people.

(310) 784-4879

Torrance Memorial Medical Center
3333 Skypark Dr.
Torrance, CA 90505

Hours: Mon-Fri  9a.m. – 7p.m.
Appointment: Recommended; walk-ins OK
Cost: Free (for 13-17 yrs)
Turnover: Instant – send to lab for confirmation
(ICUP urine test – cocaine, marijuana, barbiturates, opiates, methamphetamines, amphetamines, benzos, PCP)
Must have parent consent

NCADD – National Council On Alcohol & Drug Dependency
(310) 328-1460
For SARB Clients Only

1334 Post Avenue
Torrance, CA 90501

Hours: Mon-Thur  8:30a.m. – 5:15p.m./Fri  8:30a.m. – 4:30p.m.
Appointment: No appointment necessary
Cost: $15
Turnover: 2-3 days for a fax copy; 5 days hard copy
Must have parent consent

U.S. Health Works – Torrance Clinic
(310) 324-5777

19401 S. Vermont Blvd. Bldg. L
Torrance, CA 90502

Hours: Mon-Fri  7 a.m. – 5 p.m.

Appointment: No appointment necessary
Cost: $65 drug test/$75 alcohol test
Turnover: 24 – 48 hours
Must have parent consent

U.S. Health Works – LAX Clinic
(310) 640-9911

390 N. Sepulveda Blvd., Ste. 1000
El Segundo, CA  90245

Hours: Mon-Fri  7a.m. – 4:30p.m.
Appointment: No appointment necessary
Cost: Non-Drivers $50 drug test, $26 alcohol test/Drivers $65 drug, $26 alcohol
Turnover: 2-3 days/48-72 hrs.
Must have parent consent

Little Co. Of Mary Care Station
(310) 618-9200

2382 Crenshaw Blvd., Suite #5
Torrance, CA

Hours: Mon-Fri  8a.m. – 7p.m./Sat-Sun  9a.m. – 5p.m.
Appointment: No appointment necessary
Cost: $50 plus office visit-$138
Turnover: Depending on test(s) – about 24 hrs
Must have parent consent

Immediate Medical Care Center
(310) 541-7911

26516 Crenshaw Blvd
Palos Verdes Penninsula, CA 90274

Hours: 7 days 8a.m. – 8p.m.
Appointment: No appointment necessary
Cost: $65 drug test/$40 alcohol test
Turnover: 3 -5 days
Must have parent consent

Centinela Airport Medical Clinic
(310) 215-6020

9601 S. Sepulveda Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90045

Hours: 7 days 24 hours
Appointment: Appointment needed
Cost: $45 drug test/$25 alcohol test
Turnover: 48 hours
Must have parent consent

Advantage Care – Torrance Clinic
(310) 324-5777

19401 S. Vermont Blvd., Bldg. L
Torrance, CA  90502

Hours: M-F  7a.m. – 4:30p.m.
Appointment: No appointment necessary
Cost: $65 base test including marijuana & volume/$75 base test & alcohol
Turnover: 24-48 hours
Must have parent consent

Peninsula Recovery Center
(310) 514-5300
Testing is only available for patients

1386 W. 7th
San Pedro, CA  90732

Behavioral Health Services
www.bhs-inc.org
(800) 564-6600
Offers community assessment service centers that can be a referral for families with no funding for treatment.

*The listings are not all inclusive and are reported as accurately as possible. Failure to list a resource implies no criticism nor does listing a resource imply endorsement. Anyone under 18 years of age must be accompanied by parent.

MONDAY 8:00PM
Young People Do Recover
San Pedro Alano Club
2001 S. Pacific Ave.
San Pedro, CA

THURSDAY 8:00PM
Young Peoples’ Candlelight
12130 Birch Ave.
Hawthorne, CA

SATURDAY 6:00PM
Young People R Us Crosstalk
Library- 2000 Artesia
Redondo Beach, CA 90277

SUNDAY 8:30PM
Young People R Us
South Bay Alano Club
702 11TH Place
Hermosa Beach, CA 90254