PARENTS’ SELF TEST

As amusing as this video is, it makes a great point. Every day our kids are watching us… listening and learning how to become a responsible adult. And the best way we can help, is by setting a good example. Thanks to all of you who do.

In the news: South Bay Coalition’s new media campaign focuses on adults.

College prevention programs used to dealing with alcohol and illicit drugs are devoting more attention to drugs like Ritalin and Adderral, but with limited success. Richard Clark, director of medical toxicology at the University of California at San Diego, said that the drugs are being used as mood-lifters and appetite suppressants as well as to improve concentration.

Students say these drugs are easy to obtain on campus for a few dollars and that there is no stigma attached to their use. “I think it’s far more widespread than studies suggest today because the drugs work and because it’s so easy for people to get the drugs in this country,” said Clark.

The drugs are virtually undetectable, unlike alcohol or marijuana, and are obtained from friends, not drug dealers.

“A good chunk of college drug-prevention programs don’t actually do any good,” said James Lange, director of drug and alcohol programs at San Diego State University. Ironically, what has helped reduce misuse of prescription drugs at SDSU has been the economically driven decision to stop the campus health center from diagnosing attention-deficit disorders and prescribing drugs to treat the condition, said Lange; a campaign to address alcohol problems also may have helped because many prescription-drug users also are heavy drinkers.

Original article from www.jointogether.org.

A: The research on the effects of divorce on children clearly indicates that it is the constant level of unresolved conflict in the home that has the most devastating effects on children, not the fact that their parents are no longer together. It would be good to take steps to find out if you can diminish the conflict in order to handle the remaining conflict appropriately. Very few close relationships are completely conflict free, but they can be handled in a non-damaging manner. First you need to accept the principle that no pattern of ongoing conflict is entirely the fault of either party and that each shares equally in the creation of and continuance of the conflict. Now decide that you want to grow to a higher level of functioning. Invite your husband to join you in seeking a solution. If he is willing, then couples counseling is the ideal place to start. Beware of the idea that just deciding to change will not make any lasting difference; only long, hard work will lead to the real change you seek. If your husband is unwilling to join you in the search for a solution, individual counseling and/or an anger management class are options that you can choose to pursue regardless of whether your spouse is on board or not. Concentrate on your journey of growth – it may lead to an ability to appropriately handle the issues you currently lose control over or it may lead to clarity that the relationship cannot work and the strength to move on with hope. You goal is to make your mind clear on what exactly is needed for you to be happy.

If the parents divorce and leave each other alone (there are some divorces where the couple separate but still fight constantly) the reduction in hostility and conflict will be more helpful to the children than staying together for their sake. The damage currently being done is significant and must stop.

Q: I can’t stand the way my husband addresses the children.  He is angry and punitive. Then he complains about the way I address him in front of the children saying and that I am always criticizing and not supporting him.  The worst part is that I don’t feel supported either, and it feels to me like the children use this to get their way. How do I handle this with my husband?

A: It sounds as if the children may be taking advantage of you and your husbands disagreements to ‘triangulate’ the situation.  Triangulation is a common family dynamic where two factions of a family gang up against the other.  This has a tendency to de-power one of the parents, reinforce the children’s inappropriate choices, and cause untold damage to the parental and marital relationship.

When the parents are divided, in the end it is the children who are not supported.  It would be helpful for you and your husband to sit down and work out some common ground rules for interacting and disciplining the children.  The premise is based on the fact that the parents need to be on the same page. They DO NOT need to agree on the content of what each other says, or the style in which they deliver the message, but they DO NEED to agree on what the expectation is for the child.  Dad and mom need to decide which behaviors are acceptable and which are not.  For instance, if both agree that whining is not acceptable, then the common ground to originate from is to focus on the child’s whining and not on how dad expresses his displeasure.  Even if dad is over the top on his response, mom needs to support the no whining rule and not focus the issue on dad’s improper method of discipline.  In fact, it gives mom the opportunity to step in and be supportive of the dad, to demonstrate a less emotionally impacted response to the unacceptable behavior, and support dad at the same time.  Remember, the main focus is on modifying the children’s behavior.

Anger is a normal part of the human emotional continuum and is only problematic when expressed in a destructive way; hence the availability of anger management classes not anger removal classes.

It sounds like couples counseling and parenting skills development (whether in counseling or in a separate class) are pressing needs for you and your husband. While you are arranging that, see if you can reach an agreement with your husband to discuss all disciplinary decisions regarding your children are not around. Take the time that you need to reach a consensus that you can both support. Many parents make poor disciplinary decisions born of either an erroneous belief that the decision must be immediate or emotional reactivity. Often the very actions which require discipline are born of the child’s impulsive nature – but impulsive, rushed or reactive parenting rarely has a positive lasting impact

Do not criticize or judge your spouse for a poor choice.  We all make them, and they will only go away when we feel secure enough to see the harm they cause and see the way to correct it.  But we change on our own; we do not change because someone else forces us to change.

The questions above are from parents who live in the South Bay. The responses have been provided by members of the South Bay Coalition whose expertise and experience lies in parenting, counseling, and or substance abuse prevention. The South Bay Coalition is a non-profit partnership of agencies working to prevent substance abuse among our community’s youth.  For local resources or to order our booklet: A Parent’s Guide To The Prevention Of Alcohol And Other Drugs, please visit our website www.sbcoalition.com or contact: events@sbcoalition.com.

A: What makes this question so difficult is that there are a ton of variables, obviously, too many to have an exact answer, so we offer a ‘rule of thumb’ at best. Without a commitment to a long term relationship (including to the children) their authority is, and should be, severely limited. They should be able to address immediate safety issues and hold boundaries about their own person and belongings (but not set boundaries for the children). All adults in the home should have some power to enforce, or support the rules established by the parent. Making new rules should be reserved for the legal guardian of the children, and if the ‘significant other’ wants input, they need to go through the parent for their approval. However, all limits and structure need to come from the parent. Children need to know that all adults are watching to make sure they are held accountable for the ‘established’ rules. Next, evaluate the stage of relationship. If this is an established commitment, (i.e. engagement or ‘living together, non-married commitment) and it appears that this person intends on being there for the foreseeable future, then it becomes critical that they be included in the setting of the rules for the house as well as the children, even if they have never had children. The main reason for this makes reference to the fact that if the ’secondary’ adult feels powerless and non-valuable to the home, it will create a plethora of issues for both the relationship and the children – most of the time it fosters resentment and hurt. A happy, healthy home is one where the rules are clearly established for everyone to know and understand, and all of the adults are fair, firm, and consistent.

Q: Whenever I get into a fight with my 12 year old son, he just turns to me and asks with teary eyes, “why did you even have me?” This makes me feel terrible, like I’ve done something bad and let him down. What do I say to him?

A: It is difficult to give specific feedback to this question without knowing what a “fight” between you and your son consists of, the frequency of the fights, what they are over, and what happens after them. It is important that you talk with your son about this at a time separate from the fighting and ask what he believes the answer to that question to be and what he hopes to hear from you, what he fears to hear from you. You would also want to reflect on what you verbalize to him during “fights” and ask yourself if any of it may give him a message that he is a burden, annoyance or other negative force in your life. However, generally speaking, your son’s actions are most likely a ‘button pusher’. A button pusher is a phrase, look, action or sound that is intended to arouse, irritate, or stir bad emotions with their parents. The use of button pushers are, in a true sense, the only real ‘power’ that a child has over an adult. It is one form of manipulation. At some point, most children do this, it is natural and normal. What do you do? Prepare a ‘non- engaging’ response, like; “I always value and love you – now please take out the trash” or “I always value and love you, but I am not changing my mind about staying up late.” This interrupts the child’s power plan and re-establishes your decisions as firm.

The questions above are from parents who live in the South Bay. The responses have been provided by members of the South Bay Coalition whose expertise and experience lies in parenting, counseling, and or substance abuse prevention. The South Bay Coalition is a non-profit partnership of agencies working to prevent substance abuse among our community’s youth. For local resources or to order our booklet: A Parent’s Guide To The Prevention Of Alcohol And Other Drugs, please visit our website www.sbcoalition.com or contact: events@sbcoalition.com.

One in four youth under age 18 lives in a family where a person abuses alcohol or suffers from alcoholism.

The toll addiction takes on these children can be extensive.

Children of addiction (COAs) are at significantly greater risk for:

.        Mental illness or emotional problems, such as depression or anxiety

.        Physical health problems

.        Learning problems, including difficulty with cognitive and verbal skills, conceptual reasoning and abstract thinking

.        Verbal, physical, sexual abuse and neglect

.        Their own addiction

Children whose parents abuse alcohol or drugs are almost three times more likely to be verbally, physically or sexually abused; and four times more likely than other children to be neglected. Strong scientific evidence also suggests that addiction tends to run in families. COAs are four times more likely than non-COAs to develop alcoholism or other drug problems.

Here is a brief questionnaire to help you privately assess your use of chemicals-and the reasons why you use them. There are no right or wrong answers! The purpose these questions is merely to help you focus on your own alcohol and other drug-related attitudes and behaviors. Despite what you (or others) say, these are the attitudes and behaviors that your children will most likely copy. Go through the questions and answer them honestly. You may discover some surprising things about yourself!

1. When you have friends over, do you immediately offer them an alcoholic beverage?

2. When you have a headache, do you immediately take a pill to get rid of the pain?

3. When you are nervous or upset, is your immediate response to “take something” to get rid of the feeling?

4. Have your children ever seen you drunk?

5. In your home, is it considered “manly” or “macho” to be able to drink a lot? Is it “unlady-like” to drink a lot?

6. In your home, do people joke about getting drunk and doing crazy things?

7. Do your children ever hear you and your partner arguing about one or the other having had too much to drink?

8. Do you smoke cigarettes? Have you ever warned your children about smoking while you were smoking?

The above information is brought to you by the South Bay Coalition. The South Bay Coalition (www.sbcoalition.com) is a non-profit partnership of agencies working to prevent substance abuse among our community’s youth. To order our booklet: A Parent’s Guide To The Prevention Of Alcohol And Other Drugs, please visit our website or contact: events@sbcoalition.com.

We have written this article (our second, in fact!) in an effort to help you, the parents, see a side of the story that your child might not always reveal to you. It is you that most often has the greatest effect on your child and the way they treat their bodies and their health as they grow up. With that in mind, we now delve into our own opinions to show you what the typical teenager wants and needs from the parent-child relationship, whether or not they say it out loud.

Try to find a medium level of comfort with your child, somewhere in between the teacher and the best friend. In all honesty, it is impossible for either one to work all of the time.

Try not to confront your child in front of their peers. Especially today, public humiliation often means “the end of the world”. Using it as a tool won’t make them remember the lesson, just the time you embarrassed them. Simply put, this could lead to plain bitterness.

Keep in mind that your child’s problems are important to them, no matter how silly or juvenile they seem to you as an adult. Relationship problems or clothing dilemmas might appear to be a waste of time in your 30+ years of experience, but your child is just that – a child. Making their problems your problems will end up allowing them to feel comfortable with talking to you about anything.

Remember that it’s not war or a competition – an argument really isn’t about winning or losing. If you know that your child is speaking reasonably, don’t be stubborn. Your child will still respect you if you admit a mistake you have made – we should know before long that you are not perfect.

Try not to raise your voice, as all it does is escalate the tension. Staying calm and talking rationally is much more productive than an emotional breakdown. If you are a regular screamer, your child could just tune you out – in all likelihood, it’s something they know how to do really well. If you become a regular time bomb, it will be hard for them to take you seriously.

Attempt to understand your child’s side of the story. Cutting them short when they’re trying to explain their feelings is a lack of respect, as it would be if they did it to you. Don’t assume that you understand everything they are saying before they actually finish.

Be wary of the severity of your threats. Teenagers are fully capable of spiteful actions if they know you won’t expect them to follow through.

Act your age! Your child may not say they need it, but parents are essential for guidance and support, so be the kind of person you want them to be. Teenagers are smart enough to know what “hypocrite” means. Stories about your high school bell-bottom sizes are funny, but serving alcohol at your child’s party is not. You cannot possibly demand respect from your children or even your peers if you are enabling their bad behavior, even if out of feigned ignorance.

Recognize your child’s strengths and abilities, as well as their weaknesses and faults. If you are not accepting of what they are or are not capable of, you cannot possibly expect them to be comfortable with themselves either. Their best is all they can do, and it is different for every child.

Make yourself available and easy to talk to. Always be willing to talk, because open communication between parent and child is one of the best ways to prevent estrangement and shameful secrets.

If you are unsure of when or where to talk to your child, we’ve suggested some simple ways! Parent-child relationships should be supportive and sometimes serious, but it is always possible to have fun.

Take them out to dinner. Take a local road-trip through the city… or to the local ice-cream parlor. If you have not tried before, try listening to their radio station of choice…you never know what you might actually enjoy.

Watch one of their favorite TV shows with them! You will most likely have some outrageous drama to discuss afterwards…

Plan a family dinner and cook it with them, or get a new dessert recipe and bake it!

Go out together before school and start their day with them at a local coffee house.

The above information from TheAntiDrug.com, is brought to you by the South Bay Coalition and the Manhattan Beach Police Department. The South Bay Coalition (www.sbcoalition.com) is a non-profit partnership of agencies working to prevent substance abuse among our community’s youth. To order our booklet: A Parent’s Guide To The Prevention Of Alcohol And Other Drugs, please visit our website or contact: events@sbcoalition.com.

Getting a driver’s license is a milestone in a teen’s life. Each year, some 9,000 16-and 17-year-olds get behind the wheel nationwide with their driver’s licenses. Young drivers are already at risk for car crashes, due to the combination of driving inexperience and distractions, such as having additional passengers in the car, eating, or talking on cell phones. In fact, collisions are the leading cause of death for young people aged 15-20. These accident risks are greater when the driver is using illicit drugs, such as marijuana, as well.

Here are some guidelines parents can follow to help their teen avoid drugged, drunk, and distracted driving:

Know What’s In The Car: One of the most common places high school seniors report smoking marijuana is in their cars. There are numerous products on the market that disguise drugs and drug paraphernalia as everyday items, such as soda cans and CD cases, which teens can easily carry in cars without attracting attention. Parents should become familiar with these items – and other hiding places for drugs – and conduct occasional car checks.

Map Out A Plan: Set limits on driving, especially in high-risk conditions such as at night or on the highway, in poor weather conditions and with other teens in the car. Limit your teen from riding with other new drivers, and make sure he or she never gets in a car with anyone who has been drinking or using other drugs.

Take Caution: Know where your teen is and who he or she is with. Get to know your teen’s friends and their friends’ parents. Be sure you know the route they intend to drive when they go out.

Establish Pit Stops: Develop a check-in time with your teen – a time when your child calls in and gives a “status report” of where he or she is and who he or she is with.

Go For A Spin: Reinforce safe driving skills with your teen even after he or she has a license by going for drives together. This can also be a good time to catch up and have an open conversation about important issues like alcohol or other drugs.

Did You Know?

.        Approximately one in six high school seniors in the U.S. report driving under the influence of marijuana.

.        Nearly one in five 16-year-old drivers is involved in a collision in their first year of driving.

To keep teen drivers safe on the road, many states are imposing rules regarding the number of passengers teen drivers can have in the car, cell phone usage and the number of hours new drivers can be on the road. Be sure to check with your state’s Department of Transportation web site for specific details.

The above information from TheAntiDrug.com, is brought to you by the South Bay Coalition and the Manhattan Beach Police Department. The South Bay Coalition (www.sbcoalition.com) is a non-profit partnership of agencies working to prevent substance abuse among our community’s youth.To order our booklet: A Parent’s Guide To The Prevention Of Alcohol And Other Drugs, please visit our website or contact: events@sbcoalition.com.

The teenage mind can be one of the most beautiful things in the world. It can also be baffling to anyone who is not a peer, let alone twenty or thirty years older. We are talking about you, the parents. You raised us, taught us the rules of society and the way the world works…but so often the connection is lost as we get older. That is why we are writing this letter: we are the Youth Advisory Committee, a group of high school students around the South Bay who have banded together to promote alcohol and other drug-free lifestyles among our fellow youth. We are here neither to preach about parenting nor to provide solutions to your parent-child problems, but to give you a glimpse of the high school student’s mind as we ourselves experience it. Please remember that we are not relationship experts – we are just real teenagers who know the reality of high school.

First of all, high school is stressful. It does not matter whether our classes are more rigorous or not, because stress comes from teachers, relationships, extra-curricular activities, sleep-deprivation, and balancing everything in our lives the right way. We are adapting to an identity, finding ourselves, and moving away from childhood. Most parents have forgotten what it was like to be a teenager, and it does not help that most of us think that being a teenager in today’s world is a lot harsher than it was twenty or thirty years ago. Parents sometimes think that placing a lot of pressure on their students to go to the top college in the country will be helpful, but you have to understand that many teenagers become rebellious. For many students, this becomes a direct path toward alcohol and other drugs, which are extremely accessible in most high schools – more so than you might think. We tend to respond to a fair balance of guidance and disciplined freedom a lot better. Tell us your truth, your opinions, what you know to be right and wrong, but please trust us and openly care for us and our futures. We may not always say it, but for the most part we actually appreciate it if you have confidence in our abilities to be good people, or let us know that you are available to talk to about anything. If anything, do not belittle us. A lot of teenagers who feel they cannot find strength, foundation, or confidence in their home will turn to empowerment from harmful substances. In our times of insecurity, we need someone to talk to who we know will at least attempt to understand and not immediately turn to anger or disappointment. Otherwise, you could become another source of stress we will simply deny and avoid. Teenagers are talented in shutting things out – the key is to become a good example, be a part of our lives, be an honest helpful source of leadership, and provide a place to turn to over so many of the world’s distracting and often dangerous influences.

You may not know, however, if your child has already become a drug-user or alcoholic. There are definite signs parents seem to miss. In all probability, your child will attend a party and “experiment” at least once, but there is an extreme difference between one-time use and addiction. You should be very curious if you notice that: your kid is constantly tired (and it is not caused by schoolwork); you are missing large sums of money, or your kid is spending a lot on mysterious items. Also note if your teenage child is repeatedly missing school: you should be wondering where they are going. Missing school excessively can also be a sign of rebellion or a call for attention. Know who your child is spending time with, but do not judge immediately: there is no better place than high school to say that looks are deceiving. Above all, do not be in denial and do not ignore red flag warnings. Be firm about your policy on alcohol or other drugs, but remember that forward care and support are extremely important. We are young, but we are smart. If you are doing little to stop self-destructive behavior, we will wonder why. Do not stop trying to communicate with your child, because we appreciate the concern and attention even if it does not seem that way.

Nothing influences a teenager quite like the parent, so please be one; you are not helping if you are watching passively every day as we grow into an adult human being.

Sincerely,

The Youth Advisory Committee

The above information is brought to you by the South Bay Coalition. The South Bay Coalition (www.sbcoalition.com) is a non-profit partnership of agencies working to prevent substance abuse among our community’s youth. The Youth Advisory Committee sponsors and runs middle school dances throughout the school year, runs the Late Night Sports program, participates in the Coalition’s Youth Summit Day for middle school students, and offers a speakers panel for area workshops and other events. Three YAC members serve as voting members on the Coalition’s Board of Directors.

Get Educated

First, learn as much as you can. Sign up for TheAntiDrug Parenting Tips Newsletter or visit www.Freevibe.com for information and scientific evident on alcohol and other drug use by teens. Or, call the National Clearinghouse for Alcohol and Drug Information (NCADI) for free pamphlets and fact sheets. They can be reached at 1-800-788-2800 or visit their web site at http://www.health.org.

Have The Talk – Let Them Know You Know

The next thing you can do is sit down and talk with your child. Be sure to have the conversation when you are all calm and have plenty of time. This isn’t an easy task – your feelings may range from anger to guilt that you “failed” because your kid is using drugs. This isn’t true – by staying involved you can help him/her stop using and make choices that will make a positive difference in his/her life.

Be Specific About Your Concerns

Tell your child what you see and how you feel about it. Be specific about the things you have observed that cause concern. Make it known if you found drug paraphernalia (or empty bottles or cans). Explain exactly how his/her behavior or appearance (bloodshot eyes, different clothing) has changed and why that worries you. Tell him/her that alcohol or other drug use is dangerous and it’s your job to keep him/her away from things that put him/her in danger.

Don’t Make Excuses

Although it’s natural for parents to make excuses for their child, you’re not helping him/her if you make excuses when he/she misses school or family functions when you suspect something else is at play. Take the next step. Talk to your child and get more information.

Try To Remain Calm And Connect With Him/Her

Have this discussion without getting mad or accusing your child of being stupid or bad or an embarrassment to the family. Be firm but loving with your tone and try not to get hooked into an argument. Knowing that kids are naturally private about their lives, try to find out what’s going on in your child’s life. Try not to make the discussion an inquisition; simply try to connect with your teen and find out why he/she may be making bad choices. Find out if friends or others offered your child drugs at a party or at school. Did he/she try it just out of curiosity, or did he/she use marijuana or alcohol for some other reason? That alone will be a signal to your child that you care and that you are going to be the parent exercising your rights.

Be Prepared. Practice What You’ll Say

Be prepared for your teen to deny using drugs. Don’t expect him/her to admit he/she has a problem. Your child will probably get angry and might try to change the subject. Maybe you’ll be confronted with questions about what you did as a kid. If you are asked, it is best to be honest, and if you can, connect your use to negative consequences. Answering deceptively can cause you to lose credibility with your kids if they ever find out that you’ve lied to them. On the other hand, if you don’t feel comfortable answering the question, you can talk about some specific people you know that have had negative things happen to them as a result of alcohol and other drug use. However, if the time comes to talk about it, you can give short, honest answers like these:

“When I was a kid I took drugs because of my friends did. I did it in order to fit in. If I’d know then about the consequences and how they affect my life, I never would’ve tried drugs. I’ll do everything I can to help keep you away from them.”

“I drank alcohol and smoked marijuana because I was bored and wanted to take some risks, but I soon found out that I couldn’t control the risks – the loss of trust of my parents and friends. There are much better ways of challenging yourself than doing drugs.”

Act Now

You can begin to more closely monitor your child’s activities. Have a few conversations. Ask: Who? What? Where? When? Reflect with your child on why he/she is using drugs and try to understand the reasons why so that you can help solve the problem. When you get a better idea of the situation, then you can decide next steps. These could include setting new rules and consequences that are reasonable and enforceable – such as a new curfew, no cell phone or computer privileges for a period of time, or less time hanging out with friends. You may want to get them involved in pro-social activities that will keep them busy and help them meet new people.