PARENTS’ SELF TEST

As amusing as this video is, it makes a great point. Every day our kids are watching us… listening and learning how to become a responsible adult. And the best way we can help, is by setting a good example. Thanks to all of you who do.

In the news: South Bay Coalition’s new media campaign focuses on adults.

The Rosé label features Hello Kitty in a little black dress, winking and holding a glass of wine. The “Devil” and “Angel” wine labels show Hello Kitty with a devil’s tail and angel wings, respectively, and heart-shaped tattoos on each of their behinds. The Brut Rose label displays Hello Kitty in a pink onesie with hearts, and has a special prize hanging on each bottle: a little Hello Kitty pendant on a chain.

Italian winemaker Tenimenti Castelrotto, along with with Camomilla, an Italian fashion company, collaborated to sell the wine with the Hello Kitty brand worldwide. Their rationale for this campaign: “Hello Kitty is not just for children. She is a recognized cult fashion icon among teenagers and adults around the world.”

The Hello Kitty Wine website also lists recipes for mixing the wine with distilled spirits, juice, and/or sugar to make special cocktails. They look like recipes for homemade Hello Kitty alcopops.

The CEO of Innovation Spirits, the company in charge of marketing the wines in the U.S., said that they see the Hello Kitty brand identity as somewhat mature and open to various product interpretations. Their tagline for the wine products is “Our favorite girl has grown up,” to indicate that Hello Kitty, in her 35 years of existence, has crossed over to being a brand for children and adults alike.

The little kitten advertising the alcohol does not look like mature. Her face looks like a young kitten, not a 35-year-old wine drinker. Children will immediately recognize Hello Kitty on the bottles, and want to have one of the pendants. Teenage girls, not legally able to obtain alcohol, are also attracted to the Hello Kitty brand.

Hello Kitty’s portfolio may have expanded from inexpensive coin purses for girls to include luxury fashion bags for women, but alcohol is not like any other product. It is not for children and adults alike, and should not be advertised as such.

Original article from www.MarinInstitute.org.

A: The research on the effects of divorce on children clearly indicates that it is the constant level of unresolved conflict in the home that has the most devastating effects on children, not the fact that their parents are no longer together. It would be good to take steps to find out if you can diminish the conflict in order to handle the remaining conflict appropriately. Very few close relationships are completely conflict free, but they can be handled in a non-damaging manner. First you need to accept the principle that no pattern of ongoing conflict is entirely the fault of either party and that each shares equally in the creation of and continuance of the conflict. Now decide that you want to grow to a higher level of functioning. Invite your husband to join you in seeking a solution. If he is willing, then couples counseling is the ideal place to start. Beware of the idea that just deciding to change will not make any lasting difference; only long, hard work will lead to the real change you seek. If your husband is unwilling to join you in the search for a solution, individual counseling and/or an anger management class are options that you can choose to pursue regardless of whether your spouse is on board or not. Concentrate on your journey of growth – it may lead to an ability to appropriately handle the issues you currently lose control over or it may lead to clarity that the relationship cannot work and the strength to move on with hope. You goal is to make your mind clear on what exactly is needed for you to be happy.

If the parents divorce and leave each other alone (there are some divorces where the couple separate but still fight constantly) the reduction in hostility and conflict will be more helpful to the children than staying together for their sake. The damage currently being done is significant and must stop.

Q: I can’t stand the way my husband addresses the children.  He is angry and punitive. Then he complains about the way I address him in front of the children saying and that I am always criticizing and not supporting him.  The worst part is that I don’t feel supported either, and it feels to me like the children use this to get their way. How do I handle this with my husband?

A: It sounds as if the children may be taking advantage of you and your husbands disagreements to ‘triangulate’ the situation.  Triangulation is a common family dynamic where two factions of a family gang up against the other.  This has a tendency to de-power one of the parents, reinforce the children’s inappropriate choices, and cause untold damage to the parental and marital relationship.

When the parents are divided, in the end it is the children who are not supported.  It would be helpful for you and your husband to sit down and work out some common ground rules for interacting and disciplining the children.  The premise is based on the fact that the parents need to be on the same page. They DO NOT need to agree on the content of what each other says, or the style in which they deliver the message, but they DO NEED to agree on what the expectation is for the child.  Dad and mom need to decide which behaviors are acceptable and which are not.  For instance, if both agree that whining is not acceptable, then the common ground to originate from is to focus on the child’s whining and not on how dad expresses his displeasure.  Even if dad is over the top on his response, mom needs to support the no whining rule and not focus the issue on dad’s improper method of discipline.  In fact, it gives mom the opportunity to step in and be supportive of the dad, to demonstrate a less emotionally impacted response to the unacceptable behavior, and support dad at the same time.  Remember, the main focus is on modifying the children’s behavior.

Anger is a normal part of the human emotional continuum and is only problematic when expressed in a destructive way; hence the availability of anger management classes not anger removal classes.

It sounds like couples counseling and parenting skills development (whether in counseling or in a separate class) are pressing needs for you and your husband. While you are arranging that, see if you can reach an agreement with your husband to discuss all disciplinary decisions regarding your children are not around. Take the time that you need to reach a consensus that you can both support. Many parents make poor disciplinary decisions born of either an erroneous belief that the decision must be immediate or emotional reactivity. Often the very actions which require discipline are born of the child’s impulsive nature – but impulsive, rushed or reactive parenting rarely has a positive lasting impact

Do not criticize or judge your spouse for a poor choice.  We all make them, and they will only go away when we feel secure enough to see the harm they cause and see the way to correct it.  But we change on our own; we do not change because someone else forces us to change.

The questions above are from parents who live in the South Bay. The responses have been provided by members of the South Bay Coalition whose expertise and experience lies in parenting, counseling, and or substance abuse prevention. The South Bay Coalition is a non-profit partnership of agencies working to prevent substance abuse among our community’s youth.  For local resources or to order our booklet: A Parent’s Guide To The Prevention Of Alcohol And Other Drugs, please visit our website www.sbcoalition.com or contact: events@sbcoalition.com.

One in four youth under age 18 lives in a family where a person abuses alcohol or suffers from alcoholism.

The toll addiction takes on these children can be extensive.

Children of addiction (COAs) are at significantly greater risk for:

.        Mental illness or emotional problems, such as depression or anxiety

.        Physical health problems

.        Learning problems, including difficulty with cognitive and verbal skills, conceptual reasoning and abstract thinking

.        Verbal, physical, sexual abuse and neglect

.        Their own addiction

Children whose parents abuse alcohol or drugs are almost three times more likely to be verbally, physically or sexually abused; and four times more likely than other children to be neglected. Strong scientific evidence also suggests that addiction tends to run in families. COAs are four times more likely than non-COAs to develop alcoholism or other drug problems.

Here is a brief questionnaire to help you privately assess your use of chemicals-and the reasons why you use them. There are no right or wrong answers! The purpose these questions is merely to help you focus on your own alcohol and other drug-related attitudes and behaviors. Despite what you (or others) say, these are the attitudes and behaviors that your children will most likely copy. Go through the questions and answer them honestly. You may discover some surprising things about yourself!

1. When you have friends over, do you immediately offer them an alcoholic beverage?

2. When you have a headache, do you immediately take a pill to get rid of the pain?

3. When you are nervous or upset, is your immediate response to “take something” to get rid of the feeling?

4. Have your children ever seen you drunk?

5. In your home, is it considered “manly” or “macho” to be able to drink a lot? Is it “unlady-like” to drink a lot?

6. In your home, do people joke about getting drunk and doing crazy things?

7. Do your children ever hear you and your partner arguing about one or the other having had too much to drink?

8. Do you smoke cigarettes? Have you ever warned your children about smoking while you were smoking?

The above information is brought to you by the South Bay Coalition. The South Bay Coalition (www.sbcoalition.com) is a non-profit partnership of agencies working to prevent substance abuse among our community’s youth. To order our booklet: A Parent’s Guide To The Prevention Of Alcohol And Other Drugs, please visit our website or contact: events@sbcoalition.com.

The teenage mind can be one of the most beautiful things in the world. It can also be baffling to anyone who is not a peer, let alone twenty or thirty years older. We are talking about you, the parents. You raised us, taught us the rules of society and the way the world works…but so often the connection is lost as we get older. That is why we are writing this letter: we are the Youth Advisory Committee, a group of high school students around the South Bay who have banded together to promote alcohol and other drug-free lifestyles among our fellow youth. We are here neither to preach about parenting nor to provide solutions to your parent-child problems, but to give you a glimpse of the high school student’s mind as we ourselves experience it. Please remember that we are not relationship experts – we are just real teenagers who know the reality of high school.

First of all, high school is stressful. It does not matter whether our classes are more rigorous or not, because stress comes from teachers, relationships, extra-curricular activities, sleep-deprivation, and balancing everything in our lives the right way. We are adapting to an identity, finding ourselves, and moving away from childhood. Most parents have forgotten what it was like to be a teenager, and it does not help that most of us think that being a teenager in today’s world is a lot harsher than it was twenty or thirty years ago. Parents sometimes think that placing a lot of pressure on their students to go to the top college in the country will be helpful, but you have to understand that many teenagers become rebellious. For many students, this becomes a direct path toward alcohol and other drugs, which are extremely accessible in most high schools – more so than you might think. We tend to respond to a fair balance of guidance and disciplined freedom a lot better. Tell us your truth, your opinions, what you know to be right and wrong, but please trust us and openly care for us and our futures. We may not always say it, but for the most part we actually appreciate it if you have confidence in our abilities to be good people, or let us know that you are available to talk to about anything. If anything, do not belittle us. A lot of teenagers who feel they cannot find strength, foundation, or confidence in their home will turn to empowerment from harmful substances. In our times of insecurity, we need someone to talk to who we know will at least attempt to understand and not immediately turn to anger or disappointment. Otherwise, you could become another source of stress we will simply deny and avoid. Teenagers are talented in shutting things out – the key is to become a good example, be a part of our lives, be an honest helpful source of leadership, and provide a place to turn to over so many of the world’s distracting and often dangerous influences.

You may not know, however, if your child has already become a drug-user or alcoholic. There are definite signs parents seem to miss. In all probability, your child will attend a party and “experiment” at least once, but there is an extreme difference between one-time use and addiction. You should be very curious if you notice that: your kid is constantly tired (and it is not caused by schoolwork); you are missing large sums of money, or your kid is spending a lot on mysterious items. Also note if your teenage child is repeatedly missing school: you should be wondering where they are going. Missing school excessively can also be a sign of rebellion or a call for attention. Know who your child is spending time with, but do not judge immediately: there is no better place than high school to say that looks are deceiving. Above all, do not be in denial and do not ignore red flag warnings. Be firm about your policy on alcohol or other drugs, but remember that forward care and support are extremely important. We are young, but we are smart. If you are doing little to stop self-destructive behavior, we will wonder why. Do not stop trying to communicate with your child, because we appreciate the concern and attention even if it does not seem that way.

Nothing influences a teenager quite like the parent, so please be one; you are not helping if you are watching passively every day as we grow into an adult human being.

Sincerely,

The Youth Advisory Committee

The above information is brought to you by the South Bay Coalition. The South Bay Coalition (www.sbcoalition.com) is a non-profit partnership of agencies working to prevent substance abuse among our community’s youth. The Youth Advisory Committee sponsors and runs middle school dances throughout the school year, runs the Late Night Sports program, participates in the Coalition’s Youth Summit Day for middle school students, and offers a speakers panel for area workshops and other events. Three YAC members serve as voting members on the Coalition’s Board of Directors.

A standard drink is:

• One 12-ounce bottle of beer or wine cooler;

• One 5-ounce glass of wine; or

• 1.5 ounces of 80-proof distilled spirits.

Alcohol affects every part of the body. It is carried through the bloodstream to the brain, stomach, internal organs, liver, kidneys, and muscles – everywhere. It is absorbed very quickly (as short as 5 – 10 minutes) and can stay in the body for several hours. Alcohol affects the central nervous system and brain. It can make users loosen up, relax, and feel more comfortable, or can make them more aggressive.

Unfortunately, it also lowers their inhibitions, which can set them up for embarrassing or dangerous behavior. In fact, each year approximately 5,000 young people under the age of 21 die as a result of underage drinking. This statistic (from the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism) includes about 1,900 deaths from motor vehicle accidents; 1,600 homicides; 300 suicides; and hundreds of others stemming from injuries such as falls, burns, and drownings.

Health Hazards

Did you know that alcohol can impair the parts of the brain that control the following:

Motor coordination. This includes the ability to walk, drive, and process information.

Impulse control. Drinking lowers inhibitions and increases the chances that a person will do something that they will regret.

Memory. Impaired recollection and even blackouts can occur when too much alcohol has been consumed.

Judgment and decision making capacity. Drinking may lead young people to engage in risky behaviors that can result in illness, injury, and even death.

It’s no secret that society gives children mixed messages about alcohol. As a parent, you should know that underage drinking can have serious consequences, especially on the still-developing teenage brain.

Risky Behavior

Many kids start drinking in middle school. In fact, one out of every two 8th graders has tried alcohol. Additionally, more kids use alcohol than use tobacco or illicit drugs and more children are killed by alcohol than all illegal drugs combined.

But the risky behavior does not end there.

Dependence. In recent studies, people who reported starting to drink before the age of 15 were four times more likely to also report meeting the criteria for alcohol dependence at some point in their lives. In fact, new research shows that the serious drinking problems (including what is called alcoholism) typically associated with middle age actually begin to appear much earlier, during young adulthood and even adolescence.

Illicit drug use. More than 67 percent of young people who start drinking before the age of 15 will try an illicit drug. Children who drink are over 7 times more likely to use any illicit drug, are over 22 times more likely to use marijuana, and 50 times more likely to use cocaine than children who never drink.

Sexual activity. Alcohol use by teens is a strong predictor of both sexual activity and unprotected sex. A survey of high school students found that 18 percent of females and 39 percent of males say it is acceptable for a boy to force sex if the girl is high or drunk.

Violence. Children who start drinking before age 15 are 12 times more likely to be injured while under the influence of alcohol and 10 times more likely to be in a fight after drinking, compared with those who wait until they are 21 to drink.

School. Student substance use precedes, and is a risk factor for, academic problems, such as lower grades, absenteeism and high dropout rates. Alcohol can interfere with a student’s ability to think, making learning and concentration more difficult and ultimately impeding academic performance. In fact, the more a student uses alcohol, tobacco and other drugs, the lower his/her grade point average is likely to be and the more likely he or she is to drop out of school.

Driving. When young people drink and get into a car, they tend to make poor decisions that impact their safety. According to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, traffic crashes are the number one killer of teens and over one-third of teen traffic deaths are alcohol-related.

Protecting Children

Parents can take the following steps to encourage their children to abstain from alcohol:

• Spend time together regularly.

• Listen and talk with your children. Try to understand the pressures placed on them and don’t criticize their beliefs.

• Keep track of where your children are, what they are doing, and who their friends are.

• Get them involved in after-school activities so they won’t be able to just “hang out” with friends in the afternoon. This is when children are most likely to experiment.

• Praise or reward children often. If they feel good about themselves, they will be more confident and better able to resist peer pressure.

• Be a positive role model for your children. Don’t abuse alcohol or drugs.

Across the country, parents are being held responsible for youth drinking in very tangible ways. That trend includes the South Bay. Back in February, Manhattan Beach’s City Council unanimously approved the introduction of Ordinance 2096 which creates a Civil Social Host Ordinance which will hold non-commercial individuals responsible for any underage drinking of alcoholic beverages on property they own, lease, or otherwise control. This ordinance increases the level of responsibility for adults to ensure that underage drinking does not occur at their homes, mainly at parties. In the past, when police have discovered underage drinking occurring at people’s homes, the controlling adult would claim ignorance and little could be done about the situation. However, underage drinking is a major problem in the United States and the City of Manhattan Beach is taking proactive steps to protect their youth. Despite minors making up only one-tenth of the State’s population, the Alcoholic Beverage Control (ABC) states that minors are involved in nearly half of the alcohol related fatal traffic collisions in the state.

So, the next time you are hosting a party for teenagers, take the time to ensure there is no underage drinking occurring on the property you control. The fine for the first offense will be $1000 and will increase with each subsequent violation. Should the police discover that any adult knowingly allowed underage drinking to occur on their property, they could be subject to a criminal offense as well; contributing to the delinquency of a minor, which is a jailable offense.

Get Educated

First, learn as much as you can. Sign up for TheAntiDrug Parenting Tips Newsletter or visit www.Freevibe.com for information and scientific evident on alcohol and other drug use by teens. Or, call the National Clearinghouse for Alcohol and Drug Information (NCADI) for free pamphlets and fact sheets. They can be reached at 1-800-788-2800 or visit their web site at http://www.health.org.

Have The Talk – Let Them Know You Know

The next thing you can do is sit down and talk with your child. Be sure to have the conversation when you are all calm and have plenty of time. This isn’t an easy task – your feelings may range from anger to guilt that you “failed” because your kid is using drugs. This isn’t true – by staying involved you can help him/her stop using and make choices that will make a positive difference in his/her life.

Be Specific About Your Concerns

Tell your child what you see and how you feel about it. Be specific about the things you have observed that cause concern. Make it known if you found drug paraphernalia (or empty bottles or cans). Explain exactly how his/her behavior or appearance (bloodshot eyes, different clothing) has changed and why that worries you. Tell him/her that alcohol or other drug use is dangerous and it’s your job to keep him/her away from things that put him/her in danger.

Don’t Make Excuses

Although it’s natural for parents to make excuses for their child, you’re not helping him/her if you make excuses when he/she misses school or family functions when you suspect something else is at play. Take the next step. Talk to your child and get more information.

Try To Remain Calm And Connect With Him/Her

Have this discussion without getting mad or accusing your child of being stupid or bad or an embarrassment to the family. Be firm but loving with your tone and try not to get hooked into an argument. Knowing that kids are naturally private about their lives, try to find out what’s going on in your child’s life. Try not to make the discussion an inquisition; simply try to connect with your teen and find out why he/she may be making bad choices. Find out if friends or others offered your child drugs at a party or at school. Did he/she try it just out of curiosity, or did he/she use marijuana or alcohol for some other reason? That alone will be a signal to your child that you care and that you are going to be the parent exercising your rights.

Be Prepared. Practice What You’ll Say

Be prepared for your teen to deny using drugs. Don’t expect him/her to admit he/she has a problem. Your child will probably get angry and might try to change the subject. Maybe you’ll be confronted with questions about what you did as a kid. If you are asked, it is best to be honest, and if you can, connect your use to negative consequences. Answering deceptively can cause you to lose credibility with your kids if they ever find out that you’ve lied to them. On the other hand, if you don’t feel comfortable answering the question, you can talk about some specific people you know that have had negative things happen to them as a result of alcohol and other drug use. However, if the time comes to talk about it, you can give short, honest answers like these:

“When I was a kid I took drugs because of my friends did. I did it in order to fit in. If I’d know then about the consequences and how they affect my life, I never would’ve tried drugs. I’ll do everything I can to help keep you away from them.”

“I drank alcohol and smoked marijuana because I was bored and wanted to take some risks, but I soon found out that I couldn’t control the risks – the loss of trust of my parents and friends. There are much better ways of challenging yourself than doing drugs.”

Act Now

You can begin to more closely monitor your child’s activities. Have a few conversations. Ask: Who? What? Where? When? Reflect with your child on why he/she is using drugs and try to understand the reasons why so that you can help solve the problem. When you get a better idea of the situation, then you can decide next steps. These could include setting new rules and consequences that are reasonable and enforceable – such as a new curfew, no cell phone or computer privileges for a period of time, or less time hanging out with friends. You may want to get them involved in pro-social activities that will keep them busy and help them meet new people.