1. We found marijuana in our 16yo son’s bedroom (this is the 2nd time) – and we’ve grounded him and taken away all his privileges. However, while I don’t want him to feel left out of holiday activities, at the same time I’m so mad at him I can hardly talk to him. How can I manage this better?
Your son’s having brought Marijuana into your house and kept it there a second time after being caught previously is a very strong statement about the intensity of his relationship with that drug and the attendant loss of respect for family values and boundaries that attends drug problems. Some parents feel that Marijuana use is “just part of adolescence,” while others find it a wakeup call that your son needs help/guidance to deal with life without the use of an hallucinogen. Grounding and loss of privileges is appropriate, however, it is not in and of itself a solution to the problem.
It is definitely time to seek help for his problem (continued use despite negative consequences is a clear indicator that he has a drug problem). We urge you to seek an assessment at a chemical dependency program specializing in adolescents as quickly as possible. Make sure that the program has a strong family component. You’re right on target to be considering your anger. Although completely understandable, your anger will not help your son recover from a drug problem. A good family program can help teach you how to support recovery and hold boundaries against drug use effectively. We would not banish your son from family holiday activities, but holiday activities with friends are not necessary given the poor decision making process he has exhibited.
Whatever you do, don’t ignore the issue, or feel you can contain it by a ‘”slap on the hand.” This approach rarely properly addresses the issue. Even if you are a parent who believes Marijuana is harmless, remember this is a child who doesn’t have the maturity to understand the concept of moderation or ‘responsible’ use of anything.

2. We found out that our 15yo daughter’s best friend is posting provocative pictures of herself on Facebook. Our daughter says she hasn’t done this and we’ve checked her page and found nothing. Should we tell her friends parents or mind our own business? We’ve known this girl for several years and are concerned about her reputation as well as her influence on our daughter, (who is freaking out at the thought that we will contact her friend’s parents).

As parents we have a responsibility to protect our own children. But what about other people’s children? While it is totally your option of whether to tell the other parents or not, we suggest you use the guideline of the reverse. If another parent comes to know about something that might be a danger to your daughter (provocative pictures on the Internet, drug and alcohol use, riding bikes in traffic without helmets, etc) would you want to be informed? If the answer is yes, then it makes sense that you help out another parent and provide them with the information you have. Do not add any judgment or criticism, not even your opinion, just the facts as you know them. Then leave it up to the other parent to follow through. Their reaction or how they handle it may vary widely and unpredictably, know that you are not in charge of that, only of giving them the information they need to have. Also, be aware that it is very common for teens to keep at least two facebook pages, one that they “friend” their parents on (so their parents will let them use facebook ) and another on which they really interact with their friends. Too many young people believe that their postings on any social media site is a private event and is restricted to only their friends. They are unable to comprehend that ‘anything and everything’ sent via any social media venue is available to the world. Because you have spent your life protecting your children (as you should) they also are not able to comprehend that human behavior can be very ugly. We know that every social media contains “predators,” but teens feel invulnerable to anyone outside their circle of friends. Checking browser history to see what facebook pages have been visited is extremely important. Indeed, your daughter will be upset if you contact her friend’s parents. However, this will send a very clear message to your daughter that there are some behaviors that are never acceptable and require intervention, which hopefully discourages her from ever considering doing the same in the future. This is a textbook example of the choice that every parent of a teen has to make over and over again: Am I my teen’s parent or friend? Those roles are mutually exclusive. Please be her parent, at 15 she desperately needs that. Being a good parent of a teen means they will often not like your decisions, love her enough to make the right one anyway.

Responses to the above parent questions have been provided by members of the South Bay Coalition whose expertise and experience lies in parenting, counseling, and/or substance abuse prevention. The South Bay Coalition is a non-profit partnership of agencies working to prevent substance abuse among our community’s youth. For local resources or more information, please visit our website www.thefutureiswatching.org or if you have questions you’d like our experts to respond to, contact: events@sbcoalition.com

1. My 6th grade daughter wants to “go out” with a boy in her school, but I think she’s too young. However, I don’t want her to feel she has to sneak around. I’m just not sure how to handle this.

While there are always exceptions, most 6th graders do not go out on ‘exclusive’ dates. For one, they do not have their own transportation, or the maturity to know what behavior is acceptable. Most boys and girls of that age meet at the mall, movies or beach with a group of friends. Typically, she would go with her friends, and he with his. The two groups meet and the ‘couple’ interact together while all the others watch and usually make non-serious conversations. However, it is not appropriate to leave them on their own.

By 8th grade there are a few who are taken by their parents or older sibling to the movies or a concert (some public place). They are usually dropped off and picked up when the venue is over. But at your daughter’s age, tell her you would be happy to have the boy over to your house, where they could spend time, but not alone or behind closed doors. They can have the living room to themselves while you are nearby and can walk in at any time. They can be invited along to sports events or family outings. Provide your daughter with as many options as possible, but tell her the rules are that they are not permitted to be alone or behind closed doors for everyone’s’ best interest. The idea is that as part of any child’s natural development, they need to learn appropriate behavior with the opposite sex. The concept of giving children freedoms that are not appropriate to their age simply so they will not “rebel” or “sneak” gives away parental power and assumes the worst of a child’s character. Set appropriate boundaries, know it is your right to do so and expect your child to live up to them (children often do live up to expectations).

2. Sometimes my 14yo son doesn’t seem to have any control over his actions or emotions. He makes poor decisions and I’m not sure I get through to him when we talk about long-term consequences. I’m worried that this isn’t just a phase, that it’s possibly a character flaw that could spell real problems for him down the road. Any advice/suggestions will be welcome. Thank you.

Brain studies for pre-teen and teens show clearly that the prefrontal cortex, which controls all impulsive behaviors, is not nearly fully developed. It is not unusual for that part of the brain to not reach full maturity until the early twenties. In individuals with attention deficit disorder, the prefrontal cortex is especially underdeveloped. This is a big contributor to what makes disciplining teens so difficult. Your best bet is to have consistent and firm consequences for poor decisions. Make sure that you explain that everyone makes mistakes and the consequences are there as a reminder to make good choices. Use the example of a parking meter. If you choose to ignore the law and not pay for parking your car, you will get a reminder ticket as a consequence. Getting a parking ticket has nothing to do with what kind of person you are, they are simply a way of reminding people to do what they are supposed to do.

The amount of a parent’s “parking ticket” should not be too little, nor too great, otherwise, chances are it will be ignored or rebelled against.

While more information about what your son’s lack of control and poor decisions would be needed to give you more specific advice, the fact that they have caused you concern is reason enough to reach out for some help. We would suggest a short consultation with a licensed therapist, who specializes in adolescents, to determine if there are further needs in addressing your son’s behavior.

Responses to the above parent questions have been provided by members of the South Bay Coalition whose expertise and experience lies in parenting, counseling, and/or substance abuse prevention. The South Bay Coalition is a non-profit partnership of agencies working to prevent substance abuse among our community’s youth. For local resources or more information, please visit our website www.thefutureiswatching.org or if you have questions you’d like our experts to respond to, contact: events@sbcoalition.com

As amusing as this video is, it makes a great point. Every day our kids are watching us… listening and learning how to become a responsible adult. And the best way we can help, is by setting a good example. Thanks to all of you who do.

In the news: South Bay Coalition’s new media campaign focuses on adults.

Parents in some states can be liable even if they were not aware that drinking was going on in their home, according to the Associated Press. One Stanford University professor was arrested in November after his 17-year-old son had a party in the basement. The professor, Bill Burnett, said he had forbidden alcohol at the party and had twice checked on the teens. He spent one night in jail and was booked on 44 counts of suspicion of contributing to the delinquency of a minor. Each count carries up to a $2,500 fine and almost a year in jail.

Eight states have “social host” laws that make parents liable if underage guests in their home are drinking, even if no harm comes to anyone, the AP reports. In some of the states, parents are allowed to serve alcohol to their own children in certain situations.

In 16 other states, laws hold parents responsible for underage drinking in some circumstances, such as if a teenager who drank in their home was in a car accident.

Research conducted by Students Against Destructive Decisions, and co-sponsored by the insurance company Liberty Mutual, found 41 percent of teens say their parents allow them to go to parties where alcohol is being served, compared with 36 percent two years ago.

Source: drugfree.org

Dr. Lee: Most often, Hazelden doesn’t see young people who are addicted primarily to synthetic drugs, but we do see a lot of experimentation. Of synthetic drugs, marijuana seems to be the most popular agent, with bath salts and hallucinogens used less frequently.

The majority of these young people who come in for residential care at Hazelden are admitted due to use of another substance, but many have tried synthetic drugs at some point. There are many cases, however, where synthetics became the primary drug of choice.

Join Together: Why is the increasing use of synthetic drugs so worrisome?

Dr. Lee: These drugs are particularly dangerous because amateur laboratories manufacture them and no one knows enough about the chemicals used to make these substances. There are a lot of chemicals marketed as synthetic cannabis that actually have different components. No one would really think about smoking a bath salt or potpourri on its own. The contaminants in these chemicals alone should raise concern. Each time someone uses a synthetic chemical, they have no way of knowing what they are putting into their body.

Reports from emergency room admissions and overdoses indicate that many kids are experiencing very serious negative reactions to synthetic substances, including heart problems, psychosis and agitation, and in rare cases, death. Personally, I have seen many kids develop psychotic symptoms that do not improve for months. Also, synthetic drugs are often manufactured to escape detection from standard urine drug screens.

Join Together: How are teens getting access to these drugs?

Dr. Lee: In the past, kids would buy these drugs from the same head shops where they get paraphernalia for marijuana and tobacco. Now, increasingly kids are going online to buy drugs to avoid getting caught.

It is tough to monitor the Internet for illegal drug sales because state and federal laws are not all-encompassing. If the state or federal government bans one substance, manufacturers can make a small change to the chemical so the new product is no longer illegal. This challenge mirrors the difficulty of regulating the sale of other drugs online.

Join Together: Which types of teens are most likely to experiment with synthetic drugs and why?

Dr. Lee: Anyone can experiment with synthetic drugs. However, there are at least three demographics that parents should be particularly aware of:

• Young people are intrigued by synthetic drugs because they are experimental by nature at this age. Many don’t intend to get addicted, but decide to use drugs simply because their “friends are doing it, too.” There was a case in Blaine, Minnesota where kids ordered an ingestible, synthetic hallucinogen called “2 C-E” online and as a result of using it, one 19-year-old died and 10 more young people were hospitalized. This group may not have been addicted to drugs, but were “just” experimenting.

• Young people who are already in trouble with the law and are being monitored use synthetic drugs because they are often undetectable by standard screenings.

• Young people who seek peer-approval, perhaps a little more than what would be considered normal, are attracted to the idea that they can know more about synthetic drugs than others. This group receives a certain sense of authority and credibility among their network by being the person who is either well-connected or has an arcane knowledge of obscure drugs. They will often try chemicals that others might not try in order to demonstrate their mastery.

Overall, we are making a dangerous mistake by waiting for kids to show the signs of addiction before we educate children about synthetic substances. These drugs can have a severe, detrimental impact right away. Many kids have problems with synthetic drugs who are not necessarily addicted to anything else. Addiction is not a prerequisite for having a problem with synthetic substances.

Join Together: Are these drugs being used alone or together with other drugs? Are they a “gateway” to other types of substance abuse?

Dr. Lee: It is normal, though not healthy, for kids to experiment with substances. That is one of the differences between young people and adults with drug abuse problems. However, this behavior is dangerous because they might find that one drug is more rewarding than another. It’s just like ice cream: once they try and like chocolate ice cream, they wonder what strawberry ice cream tastes like. That’s really their approach.

Often times, the fact that kids mix chemicals together with alcohol, cigarettes or other substances multiplies the risk of having a bad reaction. We see many examples of overdoses with alcohol and pain medication, but it can also occur with other substances. Kids are often falsely reassured by the amount of potentially bad information they get from online and other resources.

The so-called “gateway hypothesis” is controversial. Researchers cannot prove that the use of one drug does something in the brain that encourages the use of other drugs. However, we do know that when you track young people who use alcohol, marijuana, and other substances before the age of 15, they are more likely to experiment with and use other substances later on. We also know that the earlier a child abuses drugs, the more likely they are to develop an addiction later in life.

Many of the kids who use synthetic substances also seem to have behavior problems or other mental health issues at a young age, so it is important for physicians to screen for those kids who display risk factors for addiction. But, we also see very high-functioning kids who succumb to addiction due to experimentation, so every parent and physician must be cautious.

Join Together: Are there any tactics you think would be effective in reducing the abuse of synthetic drugs?

Dr. Lee: Strong messaging about the dangers of synthetic drugs (and other drug and alcohol abuse) is very important for family members to use with their children at a young age. It is also equally essential that family members act in an open-minded and tolerant way with their children, so they feel comfortable coming to older family members with questions or problems.

It is true that parents who don’t have strong messages about not using drugs often have kids who use more. Parents who are firm with expectations and limits, but who are also available emotionally have the most success. This is called authoritative parenting.

Parents also wait too long to screen their kids for drug use, and specifically synthetic drug use. They need to have regular screenings with their pediatrician and other health professionals, beginning at an early age.

Parents should take a close look at their family history. If they have a predisposition to substance abuse, they need to pay attention for their children. Additionally, if they have an older child who uses substances, that increases the risk that the younger child will use drugs, as well.

There are many other things that parents can do to help their child and plenty of comprehensive resources for them to access in their community and online.

Joseph Lee, MD works at Hazelden’s Center for Youth and Families as a child and adolescent psychiatrist. Drawing upon his expertise in medicine, individual and family therapy, Twelve Step models, and the evaluation and treatment of adolescents, Dr. Lee works with teenagers and young adults from ages 14 to 25 who are struggling with addictions to drugs and alcohol. Please see more information on Hazelden’s website: www.hazelden.org.

Source: drugfree.org

1.  My ex-husband is a heavy smoker and when our kids come home from a weekend with him they are disgusted by how they and their clothes smell – they’re more & more reluctant to spend time with him because of it.  When I mention it to him, he just scoffs at the notion.  What to do?
It is sadly common that issues like this one, between a divorced couple, become more about power struggles than about the ’sensibility’ of the real issue.  Almost always these are a continuation of the ‘unresolved conflicts’ that the couple developed during their relationship period, and may have very little  to do with what the actual problem presents.

There are many realities all playing at once.  There is  dad’s reality that he wants time with his children.  And as far as he is concerned, his vices should never interfere with his right.  There is mom’s reality, who believes that her children’s health is at risk and feels it is her responsibility to take some kind of action. There is the children’s reality that they dislike the smoking so much that it’s interfering with their experience with their father.  And there is the social stigma that comes from the evidence that smoking is not only unhealthful, but second hand smoke can be seriously harmful to anyone who is exposed to it.    It is no accident that the last two decades have seen a tremendous increase in laws and regulations to prevent second hand smoke exposure.

The bottom line is  you need to do your best to try and keep your ex-husband from perceiving this situation as your agenda to get what you want.  The key here is his children.  While he may discount their opinions because they are children, he will eventually be persuaded by them if they continue to express their dissatisfaction about the smoking without criticizing him.  This is best done with ‘I’ statements.  I.E. “Dad, It makes me feel sick when I am inhaling the smoke that is in the house.  I can smell it on my clothes for days after I have been at your house.  I love spending time with you, but it’s difficult for me to deal with the cigarettes.”

Your children need to be fully supported in not being exposed to serious health hazards. If they  have tried to explain the situation to their father and he either ignores them or tells them he doesn’t care about their problem with his smoking, then  a family law attorney or the Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services can assist you with information on how you may pursue a smoke free environment for them, should you decide to pursue this further.

2.  We have two boys – 12 & 14 – and I’m very concerned about how aggressive some girls are.  They call and text at all hours, wear suggestive clothing, and many seem way too interested in “getting physical” for my comfort.  How do I deal with this without my boys tuning out?

Unless you want to risk taking on the entire peer population of your boys, we suggest you use some simple ‘limit’ setting that will provide them with a clear message from you.  Begin with limits on when the phone is to be used.  There should be blackout periods for phone usage beginning sometime around bed time, and extending until breakfast.  Other times may be during class, homework time, or possibly during ‘family’ time.  Whatever you decide should make sense and be reasonable.

Other guidelines you can provide your boys is that there is to be no ’sexting’ – texting that has overt sexual references.  Check their texts from time to time.  Explain to your boys that until they are a certain age that it is not acceptable to have exchanges of touching of the genital areas.  By the way, if you have not spoken to your boys about sex, now is a perfect time. Be sure to talk about appropriate and inappropriate behavior between boy and girls.  The guidelines for this is pretty much the same as their school’s guidelines. Most schools do  have a ‘family life’ curriculum which covers academic sex topics, but it does not set guidelines or provide morals for which behaviors are appropriate and which are not.

As far as the girls wearing suggestive clothing;  much of it is the accepted fashion of today (blame our generation).  However, while many girls like to wear clothes that show off their physical features, there are very few of them that would wear something that exposes entire genital areas or all of their breast.  Unless you see something that really pushes the limits, it is best to focus on your boys.

The questions above are from parents who live in the South Bay. The responses have been provided by members of the South Bay Coalition whose expertise and experience lies in parenting, counseling, and/or substance abuse prevention. The South Bay Coalition is a non-profit partnership of agencies working to prevent substance abuse among our community’s youth. For local resources or more information, please visit our website www.thefutureiswatching.org or contact: events@sbcoalition.com

1.  We have two sons – 17 & 12 – the older is constantly ranting about his belief that drugs (especially marijuana) should be legalized.  He goes on and on about how using drugs doesn’t hurt anyone and how smoking weed is better for you than drinking, etc., etc.  I’m worried his attitude will spill over to our younger son.  Any advice on how to handle & dispel my older son’s beliefs will be much appreciated.

It would be rare for someone who did not indulge in Marijuana (or other drug) use to be so passionate about it being legalized or to make patently ridiculous statements like “using drugs doesn’t hurt anyone.”   While handling and attempting to dispel his beliefs is important, a far more important issue is very likely to be his substance use, and if it is active, any movement in his belief system is unlikely.  If you see any signs or symptoms of active drug use, please address those with an addiction professional ASAP.

The arguments about  the use of drugs in our society are extensive and complex. Unfortunately, there is no iron clad way to dispel your older son’s beliefs.  People using Marijuana are less prone to violent acts than drinkers of alcohol, but marijuana has far more profound negative effects on memory and motivation…and the back and forth could go on nearly endlessly.  We encourage you to look into the research and clinical evidence available on Marijuana, most easily available on the internet.  Some facts about marijuana use include:  it has been found that marijuana smoke contains  50 -70 percent more carcinogens than tobacco smoke!  Since users inhale the unfiltered smoke deeply and hold for a longer period of time, the lung tissue is irritated resulting in coughing, phlegm and increased risk of emphysema.  THC also has a negative impact on the immune system,  resulting in more frequent bouts with bacterial infections and respiratory illnesses. Since marijuana reduces memory retention and attention span, learning is compromised, resulting in decreases of accomplishment in the classroom or workplace. Chronic marijuana smokers  have a higher frequency of divorce and disruptive family life.

Begin a conversation with your older son on the grounds of looking at how we form our opinions and the importance of bias in both the presentation and interpretation of information.  Start with a genuine curiosity about how he has formed his beliefs about Marijuana and where he has gotten his information from.  If he is using Marijuana, he is unlikely to have either the ability or the inclination for a serious discussion about beliefs, bias and life – which leaves you with this standard parental response as your best option:  ”while I can respect your opinions about marijuana or other drugs, the rules in our house will always be  that any illegal alcohol or other drug use is strictly prohibited, and,  any talk that promotes or encourages substance use is not allowed in the house.”  The same rules apply for the 12 year old.

If your older son is using, that will have a far more profound impact on your younger son than his verbally expressed beliefs. Older siblings are a tremendously powerful influence and most especially at the ages your sons currently are.  A concern that your question also raises is whether you are more focused on protecting your younger son and have almost given up on your older son.  A good family counselor with a strong knowledge and experience base in substance abuse could be an invaluable asset in addressing your situation.

2.  I suspect my 15 year old daughter is using marijuana – how can I tell?  What should I do?

You are fortunate in that Marijuana is one of the substances that  is easiest to find on a urine drug screen and can be found for many days after last use.  We strongly recommend testing.  Most often a parent’s suspicions do not arise until sometime after use has actually started. It is important that you have the test done by an entity with expertise in the drug testing process, like a local drug and alcohol treatment center,  rather than through a family physician.  A treatment center can help you make sure the test is valid, interpret the results,  and help guide you to appropriate help if the test is positive. It is important that you ask for a quantitative test, as if it is positive you will want to be able to look for increasing or decreasing levels of THC on future tests. There are many ways to cheat on drug tests and this information is readily available to even novice users. Your daughter needs to be unaware of the test until it happens. This is one of the few tests you do not want her studying for.  Be prepared for resistance on her part, which, if she is actively using, may be quite fierce. Avoid anger and judgment and make this an issue of protecting her health and safety.  Additionally, Whether she is using or not, you are sending a clear message that you are paying attention to her actions and you have no tolerance for any illegal use of alcohol or other drugs.  If your child does refuse, take it as a greater sign that she likely is using.  If she tries to guilt you into not giving the test by saying you need to just trust her, a good response would be:   “a clean test will provide me with the knowledge to trust you more!”

The questions above are from parents who live in the South Bay. The responses have been provided by members of the South Bay Coalition whose expertise and experience lies in parenting, counseling, and/or substance abuse prevention. The South Bay Coalition is a non-profit partnership of agencies working to prevent substance abuse among our community’s youth. For local resources or more information, please visit our website www.thefutureiswatching.org or contact: events@sbcoalition.com

Even her refusing to go to counseling is a bullying tactic.  Our suggestion is that you schedule family counseling and require everyone to go.  Make sure you find a counselor who is familiar with bullying and will know how to help the entire family.

2. My 13 year old son is generally a pretty good kid – good looking, athletic, smart & funny.  Two issues concern me a) pretty much everything is a joke to him – he’s laid back almost to the point of lazy – and takes very little seriously; and b) he’s always been a big kid, but now I’m really concerned about his eating.  Sometimes it’s almost like he just can’t stop himself – I try to keep an eye on him but this worries me.
Sounds like a great many things are going on with your son, least of all would be a poor sense of self.  Even very smart, good looking, and athletically gifted kids are often attempting to prove something to themselves and to others.  ‘Disordered eating’ is a strong sign of a distorted sense of who he is, and what his worth is to others.  His laid back attitude could be his way of making sure he does not disappoint others, and especially himself. 

If his eating habits begin to negatively affect his good health, or his attitude begins to spiral down his progress in school, it is time to seek professional help – someone who specializes in children’s  issues.

The questions above are from parents who live in the South Bay. The responses have been provided by members of the South Bay Coalition whose expertise and experience lies in parenting, counseling, and/or substance abuse prevention. The South Bay Coalition is a non-profit partnership of agencies working to prevent substance abuse among our community’s youth. For local resources or more information, please visit our website www.thefutureiswatching.org or contact: events@sbcoalition.com