Monthly Archives: November 2012

Parenting 101

November 2012

1.  I know most energy drinks contain lots of caffeine and I’m concerned because my 12yo son and his friends drink them all the time.  Is it possible for them to become addicted to these drinks?  Should they be consuming them at all?  Are there long-term effects?  Thank you for whatever information you can provide me.

Caffeine is a stimulant and all stimulants have some addiction risk. Remove someone who normally has a few cups of strong coffee every morning from those cups of Joe and most will get a low grade headache, which is actually a withdrawal symptom. The levels of caffeine in many “Energy” drinks dwarf the amount in coffee,  and other substances such as Taurine and Guarana are often also present.  Most energy drinks contain very high levels of sugar also. Increase one’s energy and desire for exertion, stimulate their cardiovascular and induce a level of sugar that contributes to dehydration and you can have a very dangerous combination (add alcohol and it becomes incredibly dangerous). Is there anything listed you do not want your child to have? Is there anything that you consider beneficial enough to counterbalance any negatives you found? Does a 12-year old need induced energy?

Like many of the new food fads, energy drinks are controversial. For any foods we eat or drinks we consume, we need to educate ourselves as to what’s in them and how they affect us. Read the ingredients of what is in your child’s energy drink yourself and then do some brief Internet research on what you find.  There you will find a plethora of information both positive and negative. We suggest you discuss this information, in an adult manner, with your children and have them weigh both sides of the information you collect.  It is also a good idea to have them collect their own information and compare it with what you found.  This approach is a great tool  to educate ourselves and our children whenever whenever there are tough decisions to be made that may have long term affects on our lives.

2.  Our daughter is a freshman in college in another part of the state.  We’ve been in consistent touch with her since she left for school, but we’re growing concerned because her calls are becoming less frequent, her grades have slipped a bit, she seems less than forthcoming when we ask her about friends, classes, etc. and now she’s talking about not coming home for the holidays.  What can we do from a distance to make sure she’s safe and stays on track?

When our children go away to college, and are over 18, we have surprisingly little control over their behaviors, activities and whereabouts.  They are, in the eyes of our society, our legal system, and the college, legal adults, even if we consider them inexperienced and not yet ready.  This is the reason that teaching our children how to handle freedom and responsibility must start long before they reach this age.  So depending on how much your daughter learned about these life skills before going away to college will determine how well she handles decisions when she is on her own.

Colleges do not send copies of grades to parents, they do not call or inform parents of progress or problems because they view the student as the person solely responsible for their enrollment decisions regardless of who pays for the tuition or boarding.

However, if you control the money, then you have some power of accountability.  Make sure your child knows that your continued financial support is dependent on having a copy of all grades at the end of each grading period, including passing classes and carrying a minimum number of units.

You should put together an agreement if you have a certain grade average expectation (you can even include when to call, if you feel it is necessary).  There should be a simple understanding that if your expectations and/or agreements are not kept, then they lose the opportunity to attend that school, leaving them with the choice to find their own funding, get a job, or come home and go to community college.  Remember, going to college is strictly a privilege and not a right.  It is not possible to control any of their day to day activities, but it is always possible to hold individuals accountable.

Responses to the above parent questions have been provided by members of the South Bay Coalition whose expertise and experience lies in parenting, counseling, and/or substance abuse prevention. The South Bay Coalition is a non-profit partnership of agencies working to prevent substance abuse among our community’s youth. For local resources or more information, please visit our website www.thefutureiswatching.org or if you have questions you’d like our experts to respond to, contact: events@sbcoalition.com.

Parenting 101

October 2012

My husband and I are currently separated and share joint custody of our 15yo daughter.  My issue is this – I do not want my daughter drinking at all but my husband believes that if he allows her small amounts of alcohol at home, she won’t feel the need to drink outside with friends.  I strongly disagree.  I don’t know how to get my husband to agree on this.

Research (including very recent research) shows that supervised drinking at home has opposite effects to those intended.  For instance a 2011 study, lead-authored by University of Minnesota professor Barbara McMorris, found that teens whose parents allow supervised drinking are more likely to have problems discontinuing alcohol use, have problems at school, problems at home, get into fights, suffer from injuries caused by alcohol, experience “blackouts” or unconsciousness due to extreme intoxication, and have sexual experiences they later regret. This and multiple other studies have shown that allowing in- the- house drinking for teens increases their risks. We would encourage a conversation with your husband based on science and data rather than opinion.  Look up and print out the research and ask him what information he had based his opinion on. Offer to take a parenting class together or see a family therapist together, if necessary, to get on the same page with this issue. Let him know that you know that this is an extremely serious issue for your daughter’s welfare.  It’s essential to remember that when parents, either living together or apart, do not provide a united front, they send contradictory messages to their children.  The result is a huge compromise to the parental front and leadership. Your ex-husband is most likely coming from a place of personal belief that hopefully can be modified by him reading up on the statistics of parents who believe in this model.  Most parents who believe the same as your ex-husband are attempting to win their child’s respect by being the ‘cool’ parent.  No matter what your husband continues to do, always keep in mind that even if your children don’t like that you are too strict, they will, in the end, have more respect for you because they will eventually understand how much you care for their safety.

Our 16yo son participates in several sports and is very popular with this teammates.  I have a growing concern about the number of his friends who’ve mentioned the “meds” they take for pain and injuries suffered during  their games.  He says they don’t share but I’m very suspicious that that is not true.  What is the best way to ensure that he doesn’t use his friends’ medications?  I’m not even sure how to tell if my son is using their meds.

There is no way to absolutely ensure that your son does not use his friends “meds.”  Some “meds” will show up on urine drug tests and some will not. There are some important pieces of information that would be needed to give you the best and most complete answer.  For example, are his friends talking about the “meds” in front of you and naming them? If so,  what “meds” are they taking? Are there reasons for your suspicions that he may have taken the “meds”?  A one-on-one conversation with a knowledgeable local drug and alcohol counselor, or therapist who works with youth, may well have a good return on investment  in helping you find clarity and the best approach to take.  Above all, it is critical that you do your best not to compromise your trust in your child by making unfounded accusations about possible drug use.  Until you have proof, assume the best.  But, do sit down and address your concerns being careful to use ‘I’ statements.  ‘You’ statements almost always come across as accusations.  Explain to him you need a way of finding reassurance that you do not need to worry about the drugs you have heard about.  Ask him for suggestions.  Suggest that maybe he would agree to enroll in the voluntary drug program at school (most high schools now have them).  However, most importantly, keep your communication open and truthful.

Responses to the above parent questions have been provided by members of the South Bay Coalition whose expertise and experience lies in parenting, counseling, and/or substance abuse prevention.  The South Bay Coalition is a non-profit partnership of agencies working to prevent substance abuse among our community’s youth.  For local resources or more information, please visit our website www.thefutureiswatching.org or if you have questions you’d like our experts to respond to, contact: events@sbcoalition.com.