Parenting 101

August 2012

1.    I’m curious about these Hookah Bars I see around the area.  Do they have age restrictions?  Is it just “regular” tobacco smoked in them?  Do they serve alcohol, too?  I have two high schoolers and would not like it if they were able to go into those establishments. Thank you.

Hookah bars are subject to the same laws and regulations as apply to other methods of smoking tobacco  (cigarettes, cigars etc.), so these can change from city to city. It is illegal for those under 18 to be sold tobacco products in California and that includes Hookah bars. The tobacco products smoked at Hookah bars are often flavored. Hookah bars, may in some areas allow indoor smoking if their primary business is the sale of tobacco products, similar to a cigar shop/lounge. Any establishment that serves alcohol must follow all applicable state and local laws regarding patrons under age 21. Because Hookah bars do target a younger, generally college age crowd, they are not likely to serve alcohol, although some bars and clubs that serve alcohol have created outdoor hookah areas. Hookahs are just as dangerous and addictive as any other method of smoking tobacco and you are right in not wanting your children to be frequenting establishments that promote it. If there is a particular establishment that you are concerned about, you may want to check what licenses that establishment holds and what state and local laws apply. Selling of tobacco products to minors or allowing minors on the premises, if law forbids their presence, can lead to fines and loss of license for retailers.

2. We have a 4yo son who is very difficult to “control.”  If he doesn’t get what he wants he sometimes goes into a frenzy and throws huge fits (it doesn’t matter where we are).  It’s gotten so bad we hate to take him with us anywhere.  We’ve tried several different kinds of discipline but it seems nothing works.  Is he too young for counseling?  What about spanking?  Help, please.

All children learn different behavioral methods in order to attempt to get the things they want, or believe they want.  In truth, adults do this as well, only children have fewer resources or ‘power’ to be able to get what adults can.  As a result they resort to any behavior that provides them with results.  To a child, a good result is anything that gets others, especially parents, engaged.  A very simple rule of engagement is the more attention you can draw to yourself, the better the chance you will succeed in getting what you want.  This explains why your child goes into a “frenzy,” which is another term for a tantrum.

Your son may be only four years old, but he knows perfectly well that you not only dislike this behavior but it genuinely upsets you and puts him in a position of  ‘negotiating’ with you for things he wants.  It doesn’t matter whether he gets positive or negative attention, they both draw you into his personal drama to the point you will be very tempted to give him what he wants so he will stop.  Research shows that children first learn this type of manipulative behavior at 7 months of age, so at four years old, your son is an old pro.

It begins with small situations that ‘upset’ him, and over the years grows into what can seem like a frenzy.  Your only hope of stopping this behavior, and it can be stopped, is to learn to ‘disengage’ with your child.  When you first begin to ignore this behavior there is a natural reaction of him to increase his frenzied behavior in order to maintain the hook it has on you.  However, if you can hold out, the behavior will begin to fade.

At home, have a designated place where the child is in ‘time out’ until they settle down.  Do not engage in conversation, debate, or give any attention during this time.  If it happens at the market or in a restaurant, simply leave your cart, or excuse yourself from the table, and remove  both you and the child from the immediate environment.  Put him in a place you temporarily can use for time out that is just outside the store or restaurant and explain that he can return when his ‘tantrum’ is over.  You may have to leave early from the store or the restaurant, but these small sacrifices will pay big dividends in the end.

From what you describe of your child, he will be more likely to change when your parenting changes than by listening to words that a stranger (counselor) would tell him.  Children process actions much better than words.  Since you will be the one with him when inappropriate behavior surfaces, you are in a far better position to provide guidance.  While very moderate spanking, that never leaves red marks, may be legally accepted, it has not been shown to improve behavior. The main disadvantage of spanking is that it inadvertently justifies hitting others when we are upset, it sets a negative example for our children, and is totally unnecessary to help children learn appropriate behaviors.

Responses to the above parent questions have been provided by members of the South Bay Coalition whose expertise and experience lies in parenting, counseling, and/or substance abuse prevention.  The South Bay Coalition is a non-profit partnership of agencies working to prevent substance abuse among our community’s youth.  For local resources or more information, please visit our website www.thefutureiswatching.org or if you have questions you’d like our experts to respond to, contact: events@sbcoalition.com.