September 2011

1.  My ex-husband is a heavy smoker and when our kids come home from a weekend with him they are disgusted by how they and their clothes smell – they’re more & more reluctant to spend time with him because of it.  When I mention it to him, he just scoffs at the notion.  What to do?
It is sadly common that issues like this one, between a divorced couple, become more about power struggles than about the ’sensibility’ of the real issue.  Almost always these are a continuation of the ‘unresolved conflicts’ that the couple developed during their relationship period, and may have very little  to do with what the actual problem presents.

There are many realities all playing at once.  There is  dad’s reality that he wants time with his children.  And as far as he is concerned, his vices should never interfere with his right.  There is mom’s reality, who believes that her children’s health is at risk and feels it is her responsibility to take some kind of action. There is the children’s reality that they dislike the smoking so much that it’s interfering with their experience with their father.  And there is the social stigma that comes from the evidence that smoking is not only unhealthful, but second hand smoke can be seriously harmful to anyone who is exposed to it.    It is no accident that the last two decades have seen a tremendous increase in laws and regulations to prevent second hand smoke exposure.

The bottom line is  you need to do your best to try and keep your ex-husband from perceiving this situation as your agenda to get what you want.  The key here is his children.  While he may discount their opinions because they are children, he will eventually be persuaded by them if they continue to express their dissatisfaction about the smoking without criticizing him.  This is best done with ‘I’ statements.  I.E. “Dad, It makes me feel sick when I am inhaling the smoke that is in the house.  I can smell it on my clothes for days after I have been at your house.  I love spending time with you, but it’s difficult for me to deal with the cigarettes.”

Your children need to be fully supported in not being exposed to serious health hazards. If they  have tried to explain the situation to their father and he either ignores them or tells them he doesn’t care about their problem with his smoking, then  a family law attorney or the Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services can assist you with information on how you may pursue a smoke free environment for them, should you decide to pursue this further.

2.  We have two boys – 12 & 14 – and I’m very concerned about how aggressive some girls are.  They call and text at all hours, wear suggestive clothing, and many seem way too interested in “getting physical” for my comfort.  How do I deal with this without my boys tuning out?

Unless you want to risk taking on the entire peer population of your boys, we suggest you use some simple ‘limit’ setting that will provide them with a clear message from you.  Begin with limits on when the phone is to be used.  There should be blackout periods for phone usage beginning sometime around bed time, and extending until breakfast.  Other times may be during class, homework time, or possibly during ‘family’ time.  Whatever you decide should make sense and be reasonable.

Other guidelines you can provide your boys is that there is to be no ’sexting’ – texting that has overt sexual references.  Check their texts from time to time.  Explain to your boys that until they are a certain age that it is not acceptable to have exchanges of touching of the genital areas.  By the way, if you have not spoken to your boys about sex, now is a perfect time. Be sure to talk about appropriate and inappropriate behavior between boy and girls.  The guidelines for this is pretty much the same as their school’s guidelines. Most schools do  have a ‘family life’ curriculum which covers academic sex topics, but it does not set guidelines or provide morals for which behaviors are appropriate and which are not.

As far as the girls wearing suggestive clothing;  much of it is the accepted fashion of today (blame our generation).  However, while many girls like to wear clothes that show off their physical features, there are very few of them that would wear something that exposes entire genital areas or all of their breast.  Unless you see something that really pushes the limits, it is best to focus on your boys.

The questions above are from parents who live in the South Bay. The responses have been provided by members of the South Bay Coalition whose expertise and experience lies in parenting, counseling, and/or substance abuse prevention. The South Bay Coalition is a non-profit partnership of agencies working to prevent substance abuse among our community’s youth. For local resources or more information, please visit our website www.thefutureiswatching.org or contact: events@sbcoalition.com