February 2011

1. My 15yo daughter is out of control – skipping school, smoking and drinking, hanging out with older kids – needless to say my house is a battle zone. I’ve tried counseling and tough love, but unfortunately the peace doesn’t last. Her father is out of the picture and I’m dealing with this all alone. I need help.

There could be many reasons for your situation, but often it boils down to either of two different core issues: 1) a possibly undiagnosed learning or behavioral disorder that prevents a child from feeling successful as a learner and thus turns solely to the social outlets in her life to feel her value. Mix this with some self-esteem issues and you have a life full of disappointments and poor choices. Or, 2) it has more to do with a child who has not been held accountable for their behavior and actions, and/or with the parent’s confidence in their own abilities. If your own self concept is low and you feel inadequate as a parent, it may be impossible for you to set and follow through with boundaries. An enabled child (one without accountability) is unable to take independent control of their lives and often engage in many destructive activities.

In your case, it sounds like things have progressed to the point where regaining stability will require firm resolve and unwavering commitment to your child’s welfare. We would recommend your first step is to get your daughter an assessment by a professional. There are many counselors in the area who will do a consultation or evaluation for free. Thelma McMillen Center in Torrance, for example, offers free assessments. Depending on results of the assessment, residential treatment may need to be explored. Check with your health insurance carrier, if you have benefits for residential treatment, they can explain how to access those benefits. If you do not have such benefits, you may be able to access treatment under the California Access to Recovery Effort (CARE) program. Find information about this at: http://www.californiacares4youth.com/. Another option is to involve law enforcement. Skipping school, smoking, and drinking are not legal activities for your 15 year old to engage in. While many parents struggle with the idea of calling the police on their own child, you must consider the risks of not doing so. Skipping school will obviously lead to difficulties for both you and your daughter, and the smoking and drinking can lead to far worse consequences. Additionally, the implied message (that the legality of behavior does not matter) is likely already having a negative impact on your daughter’s attitude and belief system, which you are trying to change. Gather information from as many sources as you can, speak to the school counselor, the counselor you saw for outpatient, call a local treatment program for adolescents, go to an Alanon or Narcanon meeting. If it is suggested that you drastically change the way you parent your teen and you feel overwhelmed or inadequate to make these changes, look for help anywhere you can. The key is to do something. Inactivity or repeating efforts that have proven ineffective are guaranteed to help the situation disintegrate further.

2. How do I convince my teens that posting personal information on Facebook or Twitter is potentially a very dangerous thing to do?

Many teens are not capable of reasoning on an adult level because they lack the experiences we have had as adults. This is normal and is most likely no different than we were at their age. The hidden danger for adolescents is that they are old enough to think they understand the world, which, in reality, they cannot possibly fully comprehend. So arguing, lecturing and persuading is often wasted energy. You must set the boundaries for using any social network and consistently follow through on established consequences if they are not adhering to your rules. Today, internet safety is one of the most important roles for a parent who wants to protect their child from a multitude of hidden dangers. Personal information such as full name, phone number, address, name of school, name of your city, or social security number should never be given to anyone on a social network. Be sure to explain all the possible consequences to reputation, college admission, future employment etc. The internet is a worldwide public domain. No information is protected unless visiting a secured site. Even then, information can be viewed by others. Also, note that everything, every keystroke, every erased message, is kept by the social networking companies for three years and is made available to anyone with a legal letterhead. One part of your job as a parent is to teach your children, another part is to maintain the boundaries and provide safety where they are not ready to do it for themselves. It is a lot to monitor and enforce, but preserving your child’s future possibilities is worth it. Protect your children.

The questions above are from parents who live in the South Bay. The responses have been provided by members of the South Bay Coalition whose expertise and experience lies in parenting, counseling, and/or substance abuse prevention. The South Bay Coalition is a non-profit partnership of agencies working to prevent substance abuse among our community’s youth. For local resources or more information, please visit our website www.thefutureiswatching.org or contact: events@sbcoalition.com