Monthly Archives: January 2011

Parenting 101

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March 2011

1. My 16yo son is close to getting his driver’s license. We can’t afford to buy him a car (like many of his friends) so I need help with appropriate boundaries for his use of the family car. He’s basically a good kid, but does bend the rules now & then. Thank you.

When it comes to your teen’s use of the family car, it is best to make a clear agreement (in writing might be a good idea) on when it can be used. This would usually involve the times it is not needed to get you to work or run errands. But more importantly, an agreement must include sharing of the responsibility for the use of the car. This includes maintenance of the car, such as washing the car, keeping it filled with gas, and helping to take it in for service. Perhaps your son can help with household errands like going to the store or picking up dry cleaning. This will be critical training for the day when he does have his own car.

Make sure to spell out consequences should he break the law (i.e. speeding, driving friends when not legally allowed to) or for failure to return home on time etc. Avoid situations where he is scheduled to come home after you are asleep, for a kid who does bend the rules occasionally, this is a prime set up to do so.

It must be made clear that the use of the automobile is strictly a privilege that must be earned, and not a right. Explain that each and every infraction will result in a loss of this and/or other privileges. Because you have complete control over the use of your car, you have a great deal of leverage in teaching your child to earn their privileges like all adults.

Finally, parents should never feel badly if they’re not able to buy their child a car, even if they believe all of their friends parents are buying cars for their children. There are far more parents who can’t afford to buy their children cars than those that can. The important thing to remember is that this has never been a factor of good parenting. Good parenting involves teaching your children to appreciate what they have and to share in responsibility.

2. We have a 4 year old daughter who is quite precocious. Unfortunately, we have spoiled her rotten. Now she’s throwing tantrums and misbehaving to the point of embarrassment. How do we fix this?

You begin by rethinking your philosophy on raising children. It is not ‘spoiling’ that is the problem with your child, it is what we call ‘enabling’. Spoiling is the act of providing them with more than they need, enabling them is the act of not holding them accountable for their behavior and actions. We hold young children accountable in the same way we hold adults accountable, by having them earn their privileges. The act of holding someone accountable involves consequences and not punishment. While there can be a fine line between punishment and consequences, the main difference is that individuals are able to avoid consequences by making the right choices.

For example, your young child can avoid having her favorite toy being put in time out for a day if she picks up her toys before dinner time. She can watch her favorite TV program if her chores are completed or she has shown good behavior all day. She can wear her favorite outfit if she is ready for school on time. The key to good parenting is the effective and proper use of appropriate consequences. The only purpose of consequences is to get your attention, not to cause suffering. Like parking tickets – they don’t hurt you or punish you, they are a fine that you wish you did not have to pay, but you can only blame yourself for having to pay it. Remember, you do not control your child, or anyone else, however, you do control each and every privilege your child earns – and earn they must or you risk raising a child who believes the world owes them everything.

The questions above are from parents who live in the South Bay. The responses have been provided by members of the South Bay Coalition whose expertise and experience lies in parenting, counseling, and/or substance abuse prevention. The South Bay Coalition is a non-profit partnership of agencies working to prevent substance abuse among our community’s youth. For local resources or more information, please visit our website www.thefutureiswatching.org or contact: events@sbcoalition.com

Parenting 101

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January 2011

1. My son is 13yo and I’m concerned about the new friends he has made in middle school. They have much more freedom than I’m willing to give my son. I suspect some drug use, particularly since I’ve heard them talk about doing some graffiti, and their behavior is occasionally suspicious to me. How do I keep my son in check and keep him drug-free?

This is a far too common situation, where a child is given more freedom than they can handle. To your child, this looks like what should be the norm and he probably views your ‘checking up’ on him as too restrictive. The most common mistake in an adolescent’s thinking is that ‘freedom is free’ – perceived as a rite of passage and not something that is earned. One of the first things you need to pursue is communication with your son’s friend’s parents. Middle school children are rarely appreciative of this, but knowing these parents and what they allow, what boundaries they have and what the home environment is like is a parent’s responsibility when it comes to friends with whom your child is spending a lot of time. Next, have a talk with your child and tell him that his freedom must be earned by acting responsibly. Acting responsibly means making the right choice not to be using alcohol, tobacco, or other drugs. It also means obeying the laws of the city and the expectations of the family. Tell him he can earn more time to be with his friends only if he can demonstrate the ability to make his own decisions about what choices he should make and not copy friends who may be making poor choices because their parents are not paying close attention. Remind him that you will always be paying attention and will be on the lookout for poor decisions, which will have serious consequences, the least of which will be the loss of his freedom.

The issue of graffiti is a bad sign and if it is an ongoing activity for these kids, your son does not need to be spending time with them. Since we cannot follow him around every minute of every day, it makes no sense to forbid him from seeing these friends, but it makes perfect sense to follow up on where he will be and what activities he is involved with.

If you see any signs of substance use on your son’s part, get an assessment by a substance abuse professional and a drug test immediately. A lot of the boundaries and rules you will need to enforce will most likely not make you popular with your son. A teen with a good parent will often be unhappy about that parent’s choices. Your child’s welfare comes first…always.

2. I recently married into a family of smokers. I have 10 year old twins from a previous marriage and I’m concerned first, about all of the second-hand smoke, and second I don’t want them to get the idea that smoking is okay. How do I discuss this with them without making the new family sound like the bad guys?

It is not a question of “bad” but a question of “sick.” Tobacco addiction is a brutal disease, which is very difficult to arrest and most often leads to severe impairments to quality of life and eventually a lingering and suffering death. And there are no two ways about it, second hand smoke is lethal also. It may well at times offend or hurt your new family, but this issue needs to be addressed firmly and clearly with all aware of your stand. Your twins cannot be exposed to any second hand smoke, there is no safe level. If smoking is happening indoors, your twins should not be in that space, the same goes for cars and/or other vehicles. Your twins need to get thorough and repeated education on the harms caused by smoking (this is critical – without refresher education children easily forget at that age and well into adolescence). Hopefully, your new in-laws are supportive of your stand. A lot of smokers do not want children starting and are aware of how harmful it is (i.e., “I know I’m killing myself, but I can’t stop”). However, some smokers are very offended by anti-smoking measures and second hand smoke avoidance measures. If faced with the latter, your commitment to your children’s’ health must be unwavering no matter how anyone feels about it. No one’s good graces are worth a painful death for your twins. This is a very precarious situation. Remember, children learn in three ways: 1) by example, 2) by example and 3) by example.

The questions above are from parents who live in the South Bay. The responses have been provided by members of the South Bay Coalition whose expertise and experience lies in parenting, counseling, and/or substance abuse prevention. The South Bay Coalition is a non-profit partnership of agencies working to prevent substance abuse among our community’s youth. For local resources or more information, please visit our website http://www.sbcoalition.com or contact: events@sbcoalition.com

The questions above are from parents who live in the South Bay. The responses have been provided by members of the South Bay Coalition whose expertise and experience lies in parenting, counseling, and/or substance abuse prevention. The South Bay Coalition is a non-profit partnership of agencies working to prevent substance abuse among our community’s youth. For local resources, more parenting information, or more about the South Bay Coalition, visit our website: www.thefutureiswatching.org