As amusing as this video is, it makes a great point. Every day our kids are watching us… listening and learning how to become a responsible adult. And the best way we can help, is by setting a good example. Thanks to all of you who do.
In the news: South Bay Coalition’s new media campaign focuses on adults.
Over the coming weeks, people around the South Bay may start getting the eerie feeling that they are being watched. The truth is, we are, and always have been- but maybe some of us need a reminder now and then. That’s the purpose of the South Bay Coalition’s new awareness campaign currently rolling out- to remind adults throughout the South Bay that kids are learning from us all the time- how to act and react, what’s appropriate and what isn’t, learning the social lessons they aren’t necessarily getting at school and how to evolve into the South Bay’s future leaders. The campaign will be rolled out in posters around the community, and through a series of videos on this website and on YouTube, as well as other community level media outlets… all little reminders that the future is watching… and yes, that means you too.
» Comments Off
The U.K. health ministry has released a software application for iPhone and Windows phones intended to empower users to keep better track of their drinking, the BBC reported Dec. 1.
The free Drinks Tracker app generates graphs based on individual alcohol consumption and advises users when they should cut back on drinking. Available from the National Health Service’s Choices website, the software was released as part of the government’s Know Your Limits campaign to promote responsible alcohol use.
“It is all too easy to lose track of how much you drink. So as the festive parties build up, this innovative tool will help people keep tabs on their drinking — wherever they are,” said U.K. public-health minister Gillian Merron. “Sticking within the recommended limits means you reduce the risk of serious conditions such as mouth cancer and strokes.”
For those without Web-enabled phones, the NHS offers a text-messaging service with advice on moderate drinking.
Original article from www.jointogether.org
» Comments Off
Q: My husband and I are constantly fighting and the kids watch it all. I’ve tried to stop but I get so hurt and angry at him that I am unable to control myself. I worry about what it does to our two elementary school age children. I want to get a divorce, but I promised the children I would never do that to them, especially since my parents divorced when I was 11 and I hated it!
A: The research on the effects of divorce on children clearly indicates that it is the constant level of unresolved conflict in the home that has the most devastating effects on children, not the fact that their parents are no longer together. It would be good to take steps to find out if you can diminish the conflict in order to handle the remaining conflict appropriately. Very few close relationships are completely conflict free, but they can be handled in a non-damaging manner. First you need to accept the principle that no pattern of ongoing conflict is entirely the fault of either party and that each shares equally in the creation of and continuance of the conflict. Now decide that you want to grow to a higher level of functioning. Invite your husband to join you in seeking a solution. If he is willing, then couples counseling is the ideal place to start. Beware of the idea that just deciding to change will not make any lasting difference; only long, hard work will lead to the real change you seek. If your husband is unwilling to join you in the search for a solution, individual counseling and/or an anger management class are options that you can choose to pursue regardless of whether your spouse is on board or not. Concentrate on your journey of growth – it may lead to an ability to appropriately handle the issues you currently lose control over or it may lead to clarity that the relationship cannot work and the strength to move on with hope. You goal is to make your mind clear on what exactly is needed for you to be happy.
If the parents divorce and leave each other alone (there are some divorces where the couple separate but still fight constantly) the reduction in hostility and conflict will be more helpful to the children than staying together for their sake. The damage currently being done is significant and must stop.
Q: I can’t stand the way my husband addresses the children. He is angry and punitive. Then he complains about the way I address him in front of the children saying and that I am always criticizing and not supporting him. The worst part is that I don’t feel supported either, and it feels to me like the children use this to get their way. How do I handle this with my husband?
A: It sounds as if the children may be taking advantage of you and your husbands disagreements to ‘triangulate’ the situation. Triangulation is a common family dynamic where two factions of a family gang up against the other. This has a tendency to de-power one of the parents, reinforce the children’s inappropriate choices, and cause untold damage to the parental and marital relationship.
When the parents are divided, in the end it is the children who are not supported. It would be helpful for you and your husband to sit down and work out some common ground rules for interacting and disciplining the children. The premise is based on the fact that the parents need to be on the same page. They DO NOT need to agree on the content of what each other says, or the style in which they deliver the message, but they DO NEED to agree on what the expectation is for the child. Dad and mom need to decide which behaviors are acceptable and which are not. For instance, if both agree that whining is not acceptable, then the common ground to originate from is to focus on the child’s whining and not on how dad expresses his displeasure. Even if dad is over the top on his response, mom needs to support the no whining rule and not focus the issue on dad’s improper method of discipline. In fact, it gives mom the opportunity to step in and be supportive of the dad, to demonstrate a less emotionally impacted response to the unacceptable behavior, and support dad at the same time. Remember, the main focus is on modifying the children’s behavior.
Anger is a normal part of the human emotional continuum and is only problematic when expressed in a destructive way; hence the availability of anger management classes not anger removal classes.
It sounds like couples counseling and parenting skills development (whether in counseling or in a separate class) are pressing needs for you and your husband. While you are arranging that, see if you can reach an agreement with your husband to discuss all disciplinary decisions regarding your children are not around. Take the time that you need to reach a consensus that you can both support. Many parents make poor disciplinary decisions born of either an erroneous belief that the decision must be immediate or emotional reactivity. Often the very actions which require discipline are born of the child’s impulsive nature – but impulsive, rushed or reactive parenting rarely has a positive lasting impact
Do not criticize or judge your spouse for a poor choice. We all make them, and they will only go away when we feel secure enough to see the harm they cause and see the way to correct it. But we change on our own; we do not change because someone else forces us to change.
The questions above are from parents who live in the South Bay. The responses have been provided by members of the South Bay Coalition whose expertise and experience lies in parenting, counseling, and or substance abuse prevention. The South Bay Coalition is a non-profit partnership of agencies working to prevent substance abuse among our community’s youth. For local resources or to order our booklet: A Parent’s Guide To The Prevention Of Alcohol And Other Drugs, please visit our website www.sbcoalition.com or contact: events@sbcoalition.com.
» Comments Off
Q: As a single parent, how much input or control do I give to a ‘significant’ other who is either living in the house or is around the family a great deal of time, before they have committed to a long term relationship, especially if my children are questioning that person’s authority?
A: What makes this question so difficult is that there are a ton of variables, obviously, too many to have an exact answer, so we offer a ‘rule of thumb’ at best. Without a commitment to a long term relationship (including to the children) their authority is, and should be, severely limited. They should be able to address immediate safety issues and hold boundaries about their own person and belongings (but not set boundaries for the children). All adults in the home should have some power to enforce, or support the rules established by the parent. Making new rules should be reserved for the legal guardian of the children, and if the ‘significant other’ wants input, they need to go through the parent for their approval. However, all limits and structure need to come from the parent. Children need to know that all adults are watching to make sure they are held accountable for the ‘established’ rules. Next, evaluate the stage of relationship. If this is an established commitment, (i.e. engagement or ‘living together, non-married commitment) and it appears that this person intends on being there for the foreseeable future, then it becomes critical that they be included in the setting of the rules for the house as well as the children, even if they have never had children. The main reason for this makes reference to the fact that if the ’secondary’ adult feels powerless and non-valuable to the home, it will create a plethora of issues for both the relationship and the children – most of the time it fosters resentment and hurt. A happy, healthy home is one where the rules are clearly established for everyone to know and understand, and all of the adults are fair, firm, and consistent.
Q: Whenever I get into a fight with my 12 year old son, he just turns to me and asks with teary eyes, “why did you even have me?” This makes me feel terrible, like I’ve done something bad and let him down. What do I say to him?
A: It is difficult to give specific feedback to this question without knowing what a “fight” between you and your son consists of, the frequency of the fights, what they are over, and what happens after them. It is important that you talk with your son about this at a time separate from the fighting and ask what he believes the answer to that question to be and what he hopes to hear from you, what he fears to hear from you. You would also want to reflect on what you verbalize to him during “fights” and ask yourself if any of it may give him a message that he is a burden, annoyance or other negative force in your life. However, generally speaking, your son’s actions are most likely a ‘button pusher’. A button pusher is a phrase, look, action or sound that is intended to arouse, irritate, or stir bad emotions with their parents. The use of button pushers are, in a true sense, the only real ‘power’ that a child has over an adult. It is one form of manipulation. At some point, most children do this, it is natural and normal. What do you do? Prepare a ‘non- engaging’ response, like; “I always value and love you – now please take out the trash” or “I always value and love you, but I am not changing my mind about staying up late.” This interrupts the child’s power plan and re-establishes your decisions as firm.
The questions above are from parents who live in the South Bay. The responses have been provided by members of the South Bay Coalition whose expertise and experience lies in parenting, counseling, and or substance abuse prevention. The South Bay Coalition is a non-profit partnership of agencies working to prevent substance abuse among our community’s youth. For local resources or to order our booklet: A Parent’s Guide To The Prevention Of Alcohol And Other Drugs, please visit our website www.sbcoalition.com or contact: events@sbcoalition.com.
Q: How does a parent know when they are being appropriately strict or overly controlling?
A: The line between being appropriately strict or overly controlling can be a fine one, and maintaining the balancing act between the two can be very difficult. The tips below are just a few that might be helpful in making this determination. You may be over controlling, if:
While environments outside the family are important, parents should be wary about relying too often on what other neighborhood parents are doing. This can actually work against you – resulting in looser limits and boundaries, which can eventually snowball into unhealthy, high risk social norms such as those neighborhoods where teen drinking is considered normal and is passively or actively condoned by the adults.
Finally, there are many resources available to parents in the South Bay who feel they need professional assistance through parenting classes or individual or family counseling. Visit the Coalition’s website: www.sbcoalition.com for resource information.
Q: When is it appropriate to drug-test my child?
A: If your child is breaking the trust that exists between a parent and child by deliberately engaging in activities that are violating the family rules, and if your instincts tell you that your child may be using alcohol or other drugs, the best first step is to try communicating your observations and concerns. If your child’s behavior does not change, that’s when you pick him/her up from school and drive them to a testing facility.
Drug tests are the one kind of test that you do not want your child to study for. A quick search of the internet will show you that kids have a variety of means and methods at their fingertips showing them how to avoid positive tests. Tests need to be observed and not done in a regular, predictable pattern. It is strongly recommended that the test be done at a drug and alcohol treatment center or with the involvement of a counselor. A family’s ability to correctly interpret the meaning of the results and to appropriately deal with those results is greatly enhanced by the involvement of a professional counselor.
Q: What do I do if my spouse won’t back me up when it comes to disciplining the children?
A: This is the 100 million dollar question because children know when one parent is not going along with the other and they will naturally be drawn to the parent who they can get around. The risks in a situation like this are very high. It is the duty of all parents to be as consistent as possible with their children and present a united front when disciplining their children.
Start by laying out both parents’ expectations and arriving at a parenting plan that is a compromise of each of your belief systems. This way you have at least a partial investment to begin with and will be more apt to support the total program. If attempts between the parents to work out an agreed upon approach have failed, it is imperative to seek professional help. A skilled family counselor can be of great assistance in attaining unity and cohesion. The bottom line is, do whatever it takes to get your spouse on board. Get into a discussion, either through trusted friends, or therapy, do whatever it takes – your child’s future depends on it.
The questions above are from parents who live in the South Bay. The responses have been provided by members of the South Bay Coalition whose expertise and experience lies in parenting, counseling, and or substance abuse prevention. The South Bay Coalition is a non-profit partnership of agencies working to prevent substance abuse among our community’s youth. For local resources or to order our booklet: A Parent’s Guide To The Prevention Of Alcohol And Other Drugs, please visit our website www.sbcoalition.com or contact: events@sbcoalition.com
Whether you realize it or not, as a parent you set an example for your kids. Before you can help them address their drug or alcohol use, you must examine your own relationship with substances. You may even feel like a hypocrite because you drank alcohol in high school or tried marijuana. Realize that in order to help your son or daughter with their problem, you’ll first have to address yours.
One in four youth under age 18 lives in a family where a person abuses alcohol or suffers from alcoholism.
The toll addiction takes on these children can be extensive.
Children of addiction (COAs) are at significantly greater risk for:
. Mental illness or emotional problems, such as depression or anxiety
. Physical health problems
. Learning problems, including difficulty with cognitive and verbal skills, conceptual reasoning and abstract thinking
. Verbal, physical, sexual abuse and neglect
. Their own addiction
Children whose parents abuse alcohol or drugs are almost three times more likely to be verbally, physically or sexually abused; and four times more likely than other children to be neglected. Strong scientific evidence also suggests that addiction tends to run in families. COAs are four times more likely than non-COAs to develop alcoholism or other drug problems.
Here is a brief questionnaire to help you privately assess your use of chemicals-and the reasons why you use them. There are no right or wrong answers! The purpose these questions is merely to help you focus on your own alcohol and other drug-related attitudes and behaviors. Despite what you (or others) say, these are the attitudes and behaviors that your children will most likely copy. Go through the questions and answer them honestly. You may discover some surprising things about yourself!
1. When you have friends over, do you immediately offer them an alcoholic beverage?
2. When you have a headache, do you immediately take a pill to get rid of the pain?
3. When you are nervous or upset, is your immediate response to “take something” to get rid of the feeling?
4. Have your children ever seen you drunk?
5. In your home, is it considered “manly” or “macho” to be able to drink a lot? Is it “unlady-like” to drink a lot?
6. In your home, do people joke about getting drunk and doing crazy things?
7. Do your children ever hear you and your partner arguing about one or the other having had too much to drink?
8. Do you smoke cigarettes? Have you ever warned your children about smoking while you were smoking?
The above information is brought to you by the South Bay Coalition. The South Bay Coalition (www.sbcoalition.com) is a non-profit partnership of agencies working to prevent substance abuse among our community’s youth. To order our booklet: A Parent’s Guide To The Prevention Of Alcohol And Other Drugs, please visit our website or contact: events@sbcoalition.com.
The Youth Advisory Committee, a division of the South Bay Youth Project, is a dynamic group of high school students who strive to promote healthy, alcohol and drug-free lifestyles to their peers. At least, that is what we are in technical terms. In real life, we are the unique youth-led group that promotes healthy lifestyles for youth and young adults through a variety of programs. For example, Late Night Sports, a life-skills based basketball program hosted every Saturday night (see www.myspace.com/latenightsports). We also host South Bay middle-school dance eight times a year to provide a safe alternative activity for young students. We help clean up the beach, lead sessions during youth conferences, and have Leadership Trips to refresh and rejuvenate the way we think of leadership and of ourselves. And yet after all of that, we are still regular high school students who just know what it is like to be a contemporary teenager.
We have written this article (our second, in fact!) in an effort to help you, the parents, see a side of the story that your child might not always reveal to you. It is you that most often has the greatest effect on your child and the way they treat their bodies and their health as they grow up. With that in mind, we now delve into our own opinions to show you what the typical teenager wants and needs from the parent-child relationship, whether or not they say it out loud.
Try to find a medium level of comfort with your child, somewhere in between the teacher and the best friend. In all honesty, it is impossible for either one to work all of the time.
Try not to confront your child in front of their peers. Especially today, public humiliation often means “the end of the world”. Using it as a tool won’t make them remember the lesson, just the time you embarrassed them. Simply put, this could lead to plain bitterness.
Keep in mind that your child’s problems are important to them, no matter how silly or juvenile they seem to you as an adult. Relationship problems or clothing dilemmas might appear to be a waste of time in your 30+ years of experience, but your child is just that – a child. Making their problems your problems will end up allowing them to feel comfortable with talking to you about anything.
Remember that it’s not war or a competition – an argument really isn’t about winning or losing. If you know that your child is speaking reasonably, don’t be stubborn. Your child will still respect you if you admit a mistake you have made – we should know before long that you are not perfect.
Try not to raise your voice, as all it does is escalate the tension. Staying calm and talking rationally is much more productive than an emotional breakdown. If you are a regular screamer, your child could just tune you out – in all likelihood, it’s something they know how to do really well. If you become a regular time bomb, it will be hard for them to take you seriously.
Attempt to understand your child’s side of the story. Cutting them short when they’re trying to explain their feelings is a lack of respect, as it would be if they did it to you. Don’t assume that you understand everything they are saying before they actually finish.
Be wary of the severity of your threats. Teenagers are fully capable of spiteful actions if they know you won’t expect them to follow through.
Act your age! Your child may not say they need it, but parents are essential for guidance and support, so be the kind of person you want them to be. Teenagers are smart enough to know what “hypocrite” means. Stories about your high school bell-bottom sizes are funny, but serving alcohol at your child’s party is not. You cannot possibly demand respect from your children or even your peers if you are enabling their bad behavior, even if out of feigned ignorance.
Recognize your child’s strengths and abilities, as well as their weaknesses and faults. If you are not accepting of what they are or are not capable of, you cannot possibly expect them to be comfortable with themselves either. Their best is all they can do, and it is different for every child.
Make yourself available and easy to talk to. Always be willing to talk, because open communication between parent and child is one of the best ways to prevent estrangement and shameful secrets.
If you are unsure of when or where to talk to your child, we’ve suggested some simple ways! Parent-child relationships should be supportive and sometimes serious, but it is always possible to have fun.
Take them out to dinner. Take a local road-trip through the city… or to the local ice-cream parlor. If you have not tried before, try listening to their radio station of choice…you never know what you might actually enjoy.
Watch one of their favorite TV shows with them! You will most likely have some outrageous drama to discuss afterwards…
Plan a family dinner and cook it with them, or get a new dessert recipe and bake it!
Go out together before school and start their day with them at a local coffee house.
The above information from TheAntiDrug.com, is brought to you by the South Bay Coalition and the Manhattan Beach Police Department. The South Bay Coalition (www.sbcoalition.com) is a non-profit partnership of agencies working to prevent substance abuse among our community’s youth. To order our booklet: A Parent’s Guide To The Prevention Of Alcohol And Other Drugs, please visit our website or contact: events@sbcoalition.com.
By Rod Uyeda, Chief Of Police, Manhattan Beach, CA
As we start another year, we all have another opportunity to begin anew all of our efforts to combat the use of alcohol, tobacco, and other drugs by our young people. By all of us, I especially mean parents, teachers, adults and the young people themselves. So many of our young people are faced with difficult decisions, and the bad ones are often times accompanied by peer pressure by those who have already taken major steps to permanently and negatively affect their future through alcohol and other drug abuse.
Why do young people intentionally choose to abuse substances that they know are illegal at their age and know are bad for their health? Probably because adults, as well as the media and film industry, make it appear so much fun to do. I’m not being critical of adults for their use of tobacco and alcohol, though I do harshly criticize adults who indulge in illegal drugs. But, for any adult who believes that their child is not using these substances, you need to be aware that statistically, over half of all teenagers use one of these substances…many to excess! The bottom line is that pressure from their peers and their own faulty decision making leads them down this dangerous path and many young people who do not successfully leave this path suffer tragic consequences. For young people, take these statistics to heart! Alcohol and other drugs destroy lives! Don’t add to the long, long list of those who learned the hard way!
For parents…if a school offers voluntary drug testing programs and your child is not a part of that program, that is a huge red flag! If a coach encourages his or her athletes not to participate in drug testing programs, that is another huge red flag. If your children avoid you when they come home late at night, that is a huge red flag! The police and the schools can only do so much when it comes to helping your children avoid alcohol, tobacco, and other drugs. The major responsibility falls on you…parents and coaches. Drug testing holds people accountable. If you suspect, ask your child about testing. If they refuse, there is probably use taking place. The consequences are to wait until something tragic happens, by which time, it may be too late to make a difference.
Did you know that out of every 100 people that apply to become police officers only 1% are hired? Alcohol and other drugs are a major factor in disqualifying applicants that didn’t realize the consequences of illegal drug use and underage drinking. It comes down to a matter of courage, judgment, and character. It takes tremendous courage to “say no” to peer pressure. And it shows strength in judgment and character to stay away from things that you know are bad for you.
It is a team effort to help our young people stay away from alcohol, tobacco, and other drugs. Let’s all do our part to help ensure their long life and success!
The above information from TheAntiDrug.com, is brought to you by the South Bay Coalition and the Manhattan Beach Police Department. The South Bay Coalition (www.sbcoalition.com) is a non-profit partnership of agencies working to prevent substance abuse among our community’s youth. To order our booklet: A Parent’s Guide To The Prevention Of Alcohol And Other Drugs, please visit our website or contact: events@sbcoalition.com.
